The Jim Henson Hour
Monster Telethon, Part 7:
Election Day
Cast: Jim Henson (Kermit, Link Hogthrob), Dave Goelz (Gonzo), Kevin Clash (Leon, Clifford, King), Fran Brill (Vicki, Customer), Steve Whitmire (Bean), Gordon Robertson (Lindy, Storyteller), Stranger (Chris Langham).
| Lindy
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That’s what we need — a president!
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| Leon
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Terrific! I pick ME!
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| Vicki
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No, no, no. You have to VOTE for president!
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| Leon
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Okay. I VOTE for me!
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| Vicki
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No… we can’t do that…
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| Gonzo
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… I wonder how Kermit’s doing…
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| [ On the vacation monitor, Kermit is writing his memoirs. ]
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| Kermit
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Hmmm. Chapter one. Tadpole Days. My earliest memory… hmmm. Um… How could I have envisioned… the long journey ahead. Uh. Maybe I’ll just play solitaire. Phew, I wish I had some cards. Hmmm.
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| [ Kermit lies back in his hammock. ]
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[ In the studio, the gang is still arguing. ]
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| Link
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Perhaps the handsomest should be in charge!
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| Gonzo
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No!
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| Vicki
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Oh, brother.
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| Clifford
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Any form of government is irrelevant unless you have a mandate from the people!
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| Bean
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Hey, I know a great form of government! Presenting — His Royal Highness, Prince BEAN! Ha ha!
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| [ Everyone groans. ]
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| Bean
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And for my first princely decree… Let it be STORYTIME!
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| [ Bean waves his scepter. ]
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[ A big leather book opens, showing the residents of a happy kingdom. ]
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| Storyteller
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Once upon a time, very long ago, there was a kingdom that wasn’t a kingdom at all. I mean, they had a king… but he wasn’t really… look, let’s start this over.
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[ The residents all scream as the book cover slams shut with a thump. ]
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| Storyteller
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Okay, okay. So.
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| [ The book opens again, on the same scene. ]
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| Storyteller
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Once upon a time, very long ago, there was a kingdom without a king. It had been so many years since anyone cared about having a king that he’d gone onto something else. Now he worked as a hat sharpener. Meanwhile, all the people of the kingdom went about their business very much their own boss. But then one day…
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| Storyteller
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… A stranger came into the hat sharpening shop.
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| King
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All done!
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| Customer
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Thank you!
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| King
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Next!
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| Stranger
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I have been told there is a king here that sharpens the hats.
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| King
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Oh, that’s me!
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| Stranger
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Ohhh — what are you doing here, when there’s the kinging to be done, hmm?
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| King
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Oh, we haven’t done that king stuff around here for years! I’ve kind of forgotten what it’s all about.
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| Stranger
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Are you NUTS? Don’t you REALIZE people must be TOLD WHAT TO DO?
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| King
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Hey!
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| Stranger
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You have a GOD-GIVEN RESPONSIBILITY to ACT KINGY!
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| King
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What?
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| Stranger
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Yes, you know… wear the colorful clothes, and put the big thing on the head! And make the… the whatchacallem. The proclamations!
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| King
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Oh… do you really think I should?
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| Stranger
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Oh, yah, yah! You have a moral responsibility to LEAD! Now. Sharpen my point, bitte.
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| King
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Oh! Yes, sir.
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| Storyteller
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That night, in the privacy of his small dungeon apartment with exposed brick walls, the king thought over the stranger’s words…
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| King
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My moral obligation to lead… What did he say I needed?
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| [ The Stranger appears in the King’s mirror, and shouts at him. ]
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| Stranger
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The big thing on the head, the colorful clothing, and the proclamations!
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| King
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Yeah, okay! Why not?
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| Storyteller
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And so… the very next day, the king put on some colorful clothing, put a big thing on his head, and set out to make some proclamations.
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| [ The King enters the courtyard, wearing colorful clothes and a tuba on his head. ]
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| King
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I proclaim… eh… herewith… vacations for animals! And, uh, more melted cheese on things. And how about, uh, forthwith, all left feet will be referred to as… Eric!
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| Subject
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Hey, king!
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| King
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Yes?
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| Subject
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You’re standing on my Eric.
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| [ The crowd roars. ]
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| Crowd
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Long live the king! Long live the king!
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| Storyteller
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And so… the people of the kingdom decided that they liked being told what to do. And the king moved back into the long, empty palace. And people began to work, as slaves and serfs and peasants. And everyone lived happily ever after… until one day they blew it all up.
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[ The book blows up. The crowd cheers. ]
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