April Frog’s Day, Part Five

Published: April 5, 2002

Part Five: Thank God I’m Not a Chicken

Kermit	Okay, welcome back, everybody. Now, our next guest has the rare distinction of serving in three different presidential administrations for two different political parties. He’s been an important part of the Nixon, Reagan and Clinton White House. It’s an honor to welcome the counselor to the President, Mr. David Gergen. Welcome, Mr. Gergen.
David	Good evening, Kermit. It’s good to see you.
Kermit	Well, it’s really good to be here. Now, I have to ask you, can’t you find work anywhere else? You’ve spent so much time in the White House.
David	Well, some people think you and I are related. Some people think that I’m a chameleon.
Kermit	I see. Oh, I get it. You just kind of change with the flow.
David	But it’s good to see you.
Kermit	Well, it’s really good to see you, too. You know, you’ve been in politics for a very long time. About how long is that?
David	About twenty years.
Kermit	That’s a long time.
David	In and out of politics and journalism.
Kermit	Now, you’ve done some television hosting as well, right?
David	I have from time to time. But I’ll tell you, Larry King must be nervous tonight, Kermit.
Kermit	Oh, you think so?
David	I think so. I think Miss Piggy is going to come on and host any time now.
Kermit	Oh, well, that remains to be seen.
David	Yeah. I’m sorry to miss her. Now, what’s happening here? You’re all alone here the evening in Washington. It’s a dangerous town, Kermit, to be all alone as a frog.
Kermit	Yeah, well, I know. I know it’s tough for frogs. It’s tough for everybody, I guess.
David	Well, there’s a lot of swamp land here, so there might be a lot of other frogs here. I’m surprised she let you out along tonight.
Kermit	Oh, you know… well, she’s in another place. I think she’s in Hollywood.
David	Okay.
Kermit	She likes to hang out there and try to attract the attention of big producers and stuff. Doesn’t work, but she tries.
David	I see. Okay, well, it’s good to have you here.
Kermit	Well, you know, it’s very good to be here. I’ve been in Washington before, but I’ve never — you know, I was here for the inauguration, which was great.
David	Yeah, didn’t you sit on the First Lady’s shoulder that day?
Kermit	I sure did.
David	Well, that’s terrific. But I have to tell you right now, Kermit, frogs — in fact, you’d be pleased to know this about the White House right now. You know, we fired the French chef.
Kermit	Oh, I read that.
David	Yeah, so no more frog legs are being served at the White House.
Kermit	Oh, thank goodness.
David	But thank God you’re not a chicken, Kermit.
Kermit	A chicken?
David	Chicken. We may get a lot of chicken legs there, now.
Kermit	Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thank God I’m not a chicken. I think a lot of people say that every morning on the way to work.
David	Yeah, well, you tell Miss Piggy that hogs are in these days at the White House.
Kermit	Oh, yeah?
David	Yeah.
Kermit	Okay, well, listen, we have a call… It’s a very suspicious call from Hollywood.
David	Okay, terrific.
Kermit	I guess we’ll take it. Hello, Hollywood.
Piggy	[ on the phone ] Hello, David Gergen?
David	Yes, Miss Piggy.
Piggy	Hogs are in?
David	Hogs are in. You’ve been watching the President for the last two weeks, every time he walks around, he says, “Sooo-ey.”
Piggy	… Could you repeat that?
David	I can only do it once. We’ll get Ted Koppel back here to sing it.
Kermit	Ah, I think what he said, exactly, Miss Piggy, was that the President has been going around saying “Soo-ey.”
Piggy	I see.
Kermit	You probably remember that from your days on your farmyard.
Piggy	May I please ask a political question of Mr. Gergen?
Kermit	Well, sure. He’s a political guy.
Piggy	Thank you. Davey —
David	Yes, ma’am.
Piggy	Don’t you feel that Kermit should have had moi on the show tonight?
David	I think that it was — in the days when, you know, women are in in politics, it is unbelievable to me. I think it’s an outrage that he would not have invited you in. And it seems to me now, that you’re due a night of your own. I saw the two of you when you were guests here, on the pre-Christmas show, back in December. And it just seemed to me that you were — you were not exactly shy and retiring, Miss Piggy.
Piggy	Well, no, no.
Kermit	That’s the understatement of 1993, there, David. You are a diplomat, aren’t you?
David	Absolutely.
Piggy	Davey? Davey?
David	Yes, yes.
Piggy	Do you think possibly you could wrangle me a state dinner invitation?
David	I think that you would be an honored guest at a state dinner invitation.
Kermit	Bring your own apple.
Piggy	Kermit?
Kermit	Yes.
Piggy	You’re skating on thin ice.
Kermit	I’m sorry. You really set me up there.
David	Oh, I know. He was saying something about bringing you to dinner with the French.
Kermit	Yes, yes. That’s exactly right. Yes.
Piggy	I have just one more important question. That’s all.
David	Yes.
Piggy	Davey?
David	Yes, ma’am.
Piggy	Can you get me two tickets for Barbra Streisand?
Kermit	Piggy, Piggy, I think we better get off the phone here.
David	Can you sing like Barbra Streisand?
Kermit	Oh, is she still there?
Piggy	No, I’m gone.
David	Oh, you’re gone?
Kermit	Oh, good.
David	Okay. I’m sorry. But you come.
Piggy	Oh, thank you. And thank you very much for the co-host thing. I’ll talk to Larry about that.
David	You come back.
Piggy	Thank you, sweetheart.
David	Okay.
Kermit	Okay, Piggy, we have to go. We have another phone call coming in from Orlando. And I know the Hulkster hasn’t had time to get back there yet. So, hello, Orlando.
Caller	Hi. I was wondering, for Mr. Gergen, have you ever thought of hiring the Swedish Chef to take the French chef’s place?
Kermit	That could be interesting.
David	Well, I would certainly welcome it. But as long as frog legs are not being served, I think we’re all safer here tonight.
Kermit	Yeah, the Swedish Chef and I have an agreement.
David	Yeah, what’s the deal there? No frog’s legs.
Kermit	No frog legs, ever. No no no. My legs stay right here in my little polyester pants.
David	Kermit, you are a frog of many talents. I found your book in a bookstore. I brought it here on the set. I knew you’d like a plug on the Larry King show.
Kermit	Oh, look at that.
David	It’s One Frog Can Make a Difference.
Kermit	You’re plugging my book.
David	Yeah, right here. It says Kermit’s Guide to Life in the 90’s. Now, Kermit, I looked through here, and the chapter titles in there were very impressive. You had a chapter title on Frogs of Madison County.
Kermit	That’s true. There was that one. They go on and on.
David	Now, who did you leave behind in Madison County, Kermit?
Kermit	Oh, well, I… That’s kind of a sore subject with Piggy and I. I think we’d better take a break. And we’ll be back in a few minutes, if you don’t mind there, David. We’ll be right back, folks, after this, with a very, very special guest from the White House. Thank you.