April Frog’s Day, Part Six

Published: April 6, 2002

Part Six: Watch What You Do

Kermit	Okay, welcome back, everybody. And now, as promised, we are very proud to present a first — an exclusive interview with the ultimate White House insider. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the first feline of the United States, Socks the cat. Thank you for coming here, Socks.
Socks	[ Socks the Cat is a puppet played by Dave Goelz. Socks is cleaning himself as Kermit introduces him. ]
Kermit	Socks? Socks, you’re on. Thanks for coming.
Socks	Oh, oh, we’re on? Well, thank you for giving me this forum. For some time, I’ve wanted to clear up a few of these allegations that have been made against me.
Kermit	Allegations? What kind of allegations? You’re a cat.
Socks	Well, yes. And on behalf of all Feline-Americans, I wish to clear the air. Tidy up the litter box, if you will.
Kermit	Well, you go right ahead there, Socks.
Socks	Well, you see, a while back, the Washington Post implicated me in some sort of cover-up in the Oval Office. Now, it is true that I had a little accident. But there was no cover-up. Just a little throw rug to hide the stain.
Kermit	I see. I see. Okay. But what about this — how do you explain this controversial videotape obtained by the people at Larry King Live?
Socks	Tape? Wait a minute, you have tape? Now, looky here, I didn’t come here to be put on trial by the media.
Kermit	Now, listen here, Socks, we’re just trying to get to the truth. Roll the tape, guys.
	[ They show a video of a ceremony on the White House lawn, with the real Socks tussling with another cat. ]
Kermit	Watch this. There on the lawn, right near the Rose Garden. Now, watch this. Watch what you do. You smacked the guy right in the head! You just smacked him right in the head, just like — you got your parents all upset there. Look at this, they’re distracted from the speech. Now, look, look… the guy — the guy is on the borderline, he’s not even in your yard. Watch this. Watch what you do. Watch this. Intimidation — smack, bite him on the back. All right, could we see that again? Yeah, slow motion. Watch this here, Socks. Watch what you do. Wow — right in the back, three feet in the air, and run like crazy. Now, listen, how do you explain that footage?
Socks	There’s nothing to explain. That was just a political discussion.
Kermit	That was a political discussion?
Socks	Well, obviously, you’ve never been to the Senate. You see, Kermit, that was Bob Dole’s cat.
Kermit	OH! Oh, I see. Oh, thanks for clearing that up there, Socks. Okay, folks, let’s go to the phone with Socks the cat. Caller? Caller? Hello?
Piggy	Hello…
Kermit	Yes. Piggy…
Caller	[ Another caller breaks in ] Hello, Kermit?
Kermit	Oh, it’s somebody else. Hello.
Caller	Kermit, no disrespect to Socks. It is a tremendous treat to speak to you in person. I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time.
Kermit	Oh, listen. Thank you very much.
Caller	Absolutely. This is your old friend, Mark. Now, you have worked with many famous names in show business, and of course, I think of the famous time when you called Ethel Merman a coliseum.
Kermit	Oh, well, that was kind of a — just an accident. Yeah, what’s your question there?
Caller	An endearment, I’m sure. And Socks, in turn, has seen many great figures in politics in the White House.
Socks	Yeah, mostly from below.
Caller	Well, and I’m — I won’t touch that.
Kermit	Okay, running out of time there.
Caller	Could the two of you just reflect real quickly on some of the biggest names that you’ve been exposed to?
Kermit	Oh, let’s see. There were so many people. Good grief. Have you seen The Muppet Show? The list goes on forever. I tell you, it’s our — you know, Roy Rogers, Edgar Bergen. Goes on forever. Okay, we have another phone call? No other calls. Okay, listen. Well, Socks, we’re running a little low on time here. Do you have any final words for our viewers?
Socks	Well, yes. As a matter of fact, I do. Now, let me tell you something. The Clintons, you know, they’re real nice folks.
Kermit	Yeah.
Socks	But do you think it’s easy to live in the White House? Why, heck no. People are always looking at you, they’re always petting you, they’re always following you right to the litter box. And you know what rubs my fur the wrong way? Well, I’ll tell you. George Bush, remember when he was in the White House, and he had this dog, Millie?
Kermit	Yeah.
Socks	Well, she was always in the press. Millie rode the helicopter! [ Socks coughs. ] Millie flew in Air Force One! Millie wrote a book! Well, I’m just sick of it, I tell you. Why does everybody — [ he coughs ] — everybody always make a fuss over a dog? It’s just not fair. Cats are good too, you know!
	[ Socks starts to cough and hack. David Gergen enters and rushes to Socks’ side. ]
David	Socks, socks! Socks, you all right?
	[ Socks hacks and spits. ]
David	You all right?
Kermit	My goodness, are —
Socks	I’m sorry about your shoe there, man.
Kermit	Socks, are you okay there?
Socks	Oh, sure, I’m fine. It was just a hairball. Happens all the time.
David	Kermit, it’s about time for Socks to go home. Okay? Are you about ready to come home?
Socks	Oh, sure, but we’ve got to get you a shoeshine.
David	We’ve got to do that, indeed. Kermit — you and Miss Piggy, you come to the White House, you hear?
Kermit	Well, thank you very much there, David.
David	Come visit.
Kermit	Thank you, Socks.
Socks	Thanks for having me.
David	Okay.
Socks	Bye bye.
David	Okay. Come on here.
Kermit	So long there, Socks, and thank you for being here. We’ll be right back, folks. Could we get a mop over here, please, during the break? Yeah, a mop.
	[ Cut to a video clip of the puppet Socks presiding over a White House press conference. Socks is standing at the podium. ]
Socks	Okay, I’ve got time for one more question. Wolf Blitzer, CNN.
Wolf	When do you expect they will be under UN control?
Socks	Hmmm. No comment.
	[ There’s a commercial break… And when they come back, Rizzo is standing in front of a video of the White House, with the fountain behind him. He points at the CNN logo in the corner. ]
Rizzo	THIS is CNN — the Cheese News Network!
	[ Rizzo chomps on the CNN logo, which disappears — and then he turns and takes a “drink” from the spraying fountain. ]
	[ Then back to Kermit… ]
Kermit	Okay, one real quick phone call from Manhattan. Are you there?
Caller	Yes.
Kermit	Hi.
Caller	Do you think Miss Piggy is faithful?
Kermit	Faithful?
Caller	Yeah.
Kermit	Well, listen, I’ve got to tell you. That’s a very good question. I don’t know. Do you know something I don’t?
Caller	No. It just seems that she’s always trying to make srue that you’re running around with anybody, but do you know that she isn’t?
Kermit	Is that one of the classic signs?
Caller	I don’t know.
Kermit	Gee, I’ll make a note of that. Thank you very much for letting me know that. Okay. Bye, bye. Listen, we’re almost out of time here, folks. But I have had so much fun doing this, along with everybody else. Gonzo, do you have anything to say to that? Gonzo?
	[ Cut to Gonzo with Bernard Shaw. ]
Gonzo	Kermit, I have really enjoyed being here, pre-taped with Bernard Shaw. Being pre-recorded is so much nicer, don’t you think so, Bernie?
Bernard	This never happens to Peter Jennings.
Gonzo	You know, I love your set. It’s so much nicer than Larry King’s.
	[ Cut back to Kermit. ]
Kermit	Thank you, Gonzo. Listen, everybody, I want to thank my very special guests for being here — Ted Koppel of Nightline, Carol Alt and Terry Hulk Hol — Hogan — excuse me there, Hulk. Oh, I’m going to get beat up now — of their new show, Thunder in Paradise. David Gergen, the counselor to the President, and, of course, Socks the cat. I would like to also thank Miss Piggy for joining us via the phone.
Piggy	[ on the phone: ] Thank you, my dear, sweet Kermie.
Kermit	You’re very welcome there, Piggy. Listen, I’m sorry about all of this. We’ll see what we can do about it next time.
Piggy	Thank you.
Kermit	And, Larry, if you’re watching, I’ll be glad to host this show any time.
Larry	[ on the phone: ] Kermit!
Kermit	Yeah?
Larry	Kermit, it’s Larry.
Kermit	Larry!
Larry	I’ve been watching you. We’ve had quite a few guest hosts on this show.
Kermit	Yeah.
Larry	I would have to say that you are the best. You had great eye contact. You work your guests well. You moved from subject to subject well. Miss Piggy’s calls, while interruptive, were nonetheless romantic. I think that Hulk had good eye contact with you, Koppel was fine.
Kermit	All right, well, listen, thank you —
Larry	And Socks, of course, was a great exclusive.
Kermit	Thank you, Larry.
Larry	So, I would like you to be the permanent guest host.
Kermit	You got it, Larry! Thank you very much for being here. And, listen, I want —
Larry	Are you going to hang up on me?
Kermit	I think I have to. You know how it is with Peter. Listen, everybody, I want to tell you all to have a great weekend. Larry will be back on Monday. Now, we’re going to check in with Linden Soles, in the CNN Center in Atlanta, to see what’s on World News.
	[ Linden Soles appears in a box on-screen next to Kermit. ]
Linden	Well, I hate to tell you this, Kermit, but… Nothing. There’s nothing going on. No headlines, no top stories. Nada. So you’re going to have to do another hour by yourself. I’m going home.
Kermit	Phew! Uh… good night, everybody! [ Kermit faints. ]
Linden	April Fool’s!
	[ Kermit gets up again and dances to the closing theme. ]