New Muppet Stuff – Fozzie on Jimmy Kimmel Live

Published: May 13, 2005

New Muppet Stuff
Fozzie on Jimmy Kimmel Live

May 13, 2005: To promote Muppets’ Wizard of Oz, Fozzie Bear appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live, joining guest Ozzy Osbourne on the couch…

Jimmy

You can have your Yogis, your Smokeys, and your Ditkas — for my money, our next guest is the number one bear of all time. He made you laugh on The Muppet Show, and he’ll take you on a magical trip over the rainbow in The Muppets’ Wizard of Oz, right here on ABC next Friday night. Please give three wockas in a row — to Fozzie Bear, everybody!

[ The crowd cheers as Fozzie emerges from behind a curtain. ]

Fozzie

Aaa-aaah! Thank you, thank you, and thank YOU! Hi, Ma!

	[ Fozzie settles in his chair. ]
Jimmy	It’s great to have you here…
Fozzie	Hey, Jimmy!
Jimmy	Fozzie, Ozzy — Ozzy, Fozzie…

	[ Ozzy reaches out to shake Fozzie’s hand. ]
Fozzie	Oh, oh, wait — which one am I, again?
Jimmy	You’re the one with the F. You’re Fozzie.
Fozzie	Fozzie, Fozzie. Ozzy! Hey! How ya doin’.
Ozzy	Fine.
Jimmy	Have you met Ozzy before?
Fozzie	Yeah, actually, we have met. It’s a funny thing, because people mistake us for each other all the time.
Jimmy	Is that right?
Fozzie	Just like I did, just now. Yeah, it’s true.

Jimmy	What do you guys listen to? Do you listen to Ozzy’s music, have you ever heard his music?
Fozzie	Oh, sure, sure! You know, we tried to get him once for a big event we had, it was called FozzieFest.
	[ Rimshot. ]
Jimmy	FozzieFest.
Fozzie	Yeah, but we couldn’t get Black Sabbath, so we had to settle for a soundalike group called Maroon Bar Mitzvah.
	[ Rimshot. ]
Jimmy	I see… Now you guys did or did not work together?
Fozzie	No, no. We almost worked together, but when Kermit came in wearing a cape, Ozzy almost bit his head off.
Jimmy	Oh, really. Oh my gosh.

Fozzie	It was scary. Yeah. But you’re not mad at all, right?
Ozzy	Yeah.
Fozzie	Yeah!
	[ Ozzy makes a face. ]
Jimmy	Fozzie, how do you like it here in Los Angeles?
Ozzy	What am I doing, talking to a fucking glove puppet for?

	[ The crowd cheers, Ozzy laughs. Fozzie looks put out, and straightens his tie. ]
Jimmy	The last time this happened, there was a terrible tragedy, as you can see…
	[ Jimmy shows a picture from the Queen’s Concert a few years back, with Ozzy biting Kermit. ]
Fozzie	Look, there’s the picture! Yeah.

Jimmy	So, you’re here in Los Angeles. What are you doing, taking meetings? Do you have an agent?
Fozzie	Taking meetings? Why, is one missing? Aaaa-AAAAHHH! Thank you! No, no, I’m here now in LA, and you know, it’s really tough here. You’ve gotta have an agent. So I got myself a rat. You know, those little rodents…
Jimmy	Oh, you have an actual rat for your agent.
Fozzie	Yeah, yeah. They’re crawling all over the city, c’mon!
	[ Rimshot. ]
Jimmy	I didn’t know — the drum didn’t come in, so I didn’t know we were supposed to laugh.
Fozzie	Yeah, you know… We didn’t rehearse this.
Jimmy	Are you going to see the new Star Wars movie?
Fozzie	Oh, yeah! I’m so excited! Kermit’s standing in line waiting right now. We’re taking turns. It’s great. You know, I actually auditioned to be in a Star Wars movie once.
Jimmy	You did!
Fozzie	Yes! It’s true!
Jimmy	Auditioned for which role, one of the Ewoks?
Fozzie	No, no, no — Yoda.
Jimmy	Oh, for Yoda!
Fozzie	Yeah. Y’know, I got called back and everything. But can you believe it, they got some puppet instead!
Jimmy	Well, that’s the way it goes. It’s a tough town. We actually have the audition tape —
Fozzie	Really!
Jimmy	Of you and some other people, I’m not sure who exactly, auditioned for Star Wars…
Fozzie	Oh, well, roll tape!

	[ They roll a clip of the Muppets auditioning for Star Wars — it’s an interstitial they filmed for Odyssey a few years ago, actually, which is very timely now. ]
Director	Yoda screen test, take one!
Kermit	Mighty Jedi master is he?
Pepe	He is mighty Gemini master, okay! Strong in the Force he is, okay.
Animal	YODA, YODA!

Fozzie	Aaaah! Hi! You seek Yoda!
Kermit	Strong in him the Force is… Is it supposed to be like this?
Director	Next!
Pepe	These ears don’t fit too good, okay.
Director	That’s all right.
Animal	Yoda Jedi master Yoda.
Director	Thank you, uh, no.
Animal	Thank you.

Pepe	I could be taller, okay.
Director	Next!
Pepe	Unbelievable.
Fozzie	Too much talka-talka, not enough wocka-wocka! Yeah?
Director	No.

	[ The audience cheers as they come back from the clip. ]
Fozzie	I thought it was good, huh?
Jimmy	You would have been great.
Fozzie	I would’ve gone into makeup.
Jimmy	Definitely. I’m sorry you didn’t get that job.
Fozzie	Aw. It’s okay.
Jimmy	But what you did get, you are in The Muppets’ Wizard of Oz.
Fozzie	Yes!
Jimmy	Tell me about The Muppets’ Wizard of Oz. How is this different from the regular Wizard of Oz?
Fozzie	Well, uh… it’s not. No. It’s the same story, only with a Muppet take on things. I play the Cowardly Lion, yeah, the mane part… Aaaa-aaahhh!
	[ Rimshot. ]
Fozzie	Kermit is the Scarecrow, and we’ve got Ashanti in it, and Queen Latifah, and David Alan Grier — oh, he is a funny guy, too!
Jimmy	I’m sorry — did Fozzie Bear just say the words Queen Latifah? Now, Fozzie, you did stand-up comedy for a long time — I mean, you were on the road with Carlin, with Richard Pryor, with, I think Sam Kinison…
Fozzie	Yeah, don’t forget Pink Lady and Jeff.
Jimmy	Do you do it anymore? Because I’d love for you to do some stand-up comedy for us tonight.
Fozzie	Awww…
	[ The audience cheers, and Ozzy joins in. ]
Fozzie	No, no, I don’t… unless there’s a mirror around…
Jimmy	Just two minutes would be great, if you could — even some of the old stuff, whatever you want to do. We’d love to have you do it.
Fozzie	Really? [ Fozzie looks out to the audience. ] You would? You would? Then I’ll do it! I’ll do it for you!
Jimmy	All right! We’re going to take a commercial break — Fozzie Bear is here, Muppets’ Wizard of Oz on Friday May 20th. He’s going to do some stand-up comedy when we come back! We’ll be right back…

	[ Back from commercial… ]
Jimmy	We have a special treat tonight… one of the great stand-up comedians of all time has agreed to step into our spotlight. He’s adored worldwide by humans and animals alike. Please say hello to TV star, movie star, but most of all, comedian extraordinaire, the inimitable Fozzie Bear, everyone!
Fozzie	Wocka wocka wocka wocka! Hey! I’m Fozzie Bear, and this is professional show business comedy! Yeah! Tonight, we’re gonna grin and bear it!
	[ Rimshot. ]
Fozzie	You grin… Not yet, I didn’t get to the punchline. You grin, and I’ll bear it!
	[ Rimshot. ]

Fozzie

Thank you! But hey, it’s not always easy being a bear. Yeah, take yesterday, I got into a fight with a panda. Yeah. Why is everything always black and white with those guys? Aaaah! Yes!

Rizzo	Pssst… Fozzie, Fozzie…
Fozzie	What?
Rizzo	Hey, down here, down here. You’re doing great, keep it up. He’s great, ain’t he? Yeah, yeah! This is so lucrative. Heh heh.
Fozzie	Thanks, uh… My agent, folks…

Fozzie	Hey, uh, why did the chicken cross the road? Because she was getting married and got cold feet! Aaaah!
	[ Rimshot. ]
Fozzie	Runaway bride, she was chicken! Ah ha ha! Oh, the bear even does topical! Oh, I am so fun-neee!
Rizzo	Hey, look, look! Ozzy loves ya! Yeah! Ozzy loves ya! Ha ha ha!

Rizzo	More topical, more topical!
Fozzie	More topical. Okay.
Rizzo	Yeah, yeah. Do the Star Wars one.
Fozzie	St — Star what?
Rizzo	Star Wars!
Fozzie	Star… Warts?
Rizzo	Star WARS!
Fozzie	Star Worms?
Rizzo	Oh, brother.
Fozzie	Ah, forget it. I’ll do the Star Wars joke.

Fozzie	Okay, so. Did you hear that I’m in the new Star Wars movie? Yeah, it’s true! I play Wocka Wocka, the funny Wookiee. I do stuff like this: (ahem) Here’s my Wookiee. Arrrrrrrrr! Arrrrrrrrr!
Rizzo	Uh oh.
Fozzie	I have no idea what I just said, but it kills on the Death Star.
Rizzo	Yeah, it’s killing here too. I believe it’s suicide. Move on, move on! Faster, funnier! You’re killin’ us out here!
Fozzie	Okay, uh… Is this an audience or a screening of House of Wax?

	[ The audience cheers. ]
Fozzie	Oh! They do like me! Jimmy! Jimmy, you’ve gotta have me back! Your audience loves me! Oh! Oh, thank you!
Rizzo	Yeah! He did it, he did it! Ha ha ha.
Jimmy	There you go. Fozzie Bear, everybody! We’ll be right back!