Click here for Part 1: A River Runs, Buy It!
Click here for Part 2: Toilet Green!
Welcome to Ebaytown, where every day is like Christmas day! Except for the part about getting stuff for free. Oh, and the part about people being nice to each other.
Actually, now that I think about it, Ebay isn’t much like Christmas at all, is it?
I mean, take this Welch’s jelly jar with Gonzo on it… this little holiday item recently sold on Ebay for $1.99, plus $2.99 shipping and handling. Now, you and I might question what kind of yuletide spirit would inspire anyone to pay five bucks for what is essentially an old piece of processed-food packaging that probably sold for about two-fifty retail with the actual food still inside.
Well, here’s the pitch: “You are bidding on a fantastic condition glass featuring Gonzo from the Muppets in an astronaut outfit. This would make a great gift especially for Christmas, Hannukah, or a birthday, for anyone who collects Jelly or Jam glasses or anyone who loves the Muppets, especially Gonzo. A great item! I will gift wrap” — I swear, this is still a direct quote from the auction — “I will gift wrap and send it to your gift recipient for no additional charge… Please note that I can even guarantee by Christmas if I receive payment by Dec 23 and ship by UPS (sending by UPS will require an additional fee).”
Well, of course, guaranteeing it by Christmas would require an additional fee… I mean, that’s the Christmas spirit, isn’t it? Anyone who sent me a gift like this would definitely be remembered in my Christmas prayers, in one form or another.
Continuing in the same deck-the-halls spirit, here’s another Christmas hard sell: “MIZERRY CHRISTMIZZLE! The Muppets snipped Snoop from their movie, now I’ve put him back in! You are bidding on one 4×6 PHOTO of Snoop and Kermit the Frog on Kodak paper printed at a professional photographic lab.” The bidding opened at $4.99… oh, wait, there’s more. “Shipping by Priority Mail will be $3.85… Photo can be made into a custom Christmas card for an extra $4!” So that ought to ring your Christmas bells, right? This closed with no bids, so maybe there is Christmas justice in Ebaytown after all.
But life isn’t all yellow snow in Ebaytown, really it isn’t. Sometimes there’s really cool stuff, like this great Sigma ornament which set somebody back $20.50 this month… But I’d call that a fair price for such a cute ornament, wouldn’t you?
Then again, I’m a total sucker for Muppet Christmas stuff, so what do I know. I’m also kind of envious of the lucky bidders who snapped up these three Sesame Street china Christmas plates — made by Gorham for three years in the early 80’s. The ’82 and ’83 plates sold for $10.00 each, and the ’81 plate for the discount price of $5.84. There really are Christmas miracles, I guess, except they happen to other people.
So what else is in Santa’s bag today? Well, here’s a Holidays on Ice program from 1980, with a festive ice dancer doing something unsettling to Cookie Monster… this sold for the low price of only $3.75. There were similar tidings of great joy for the person who bought this cool Japanese Muppet Christmas Carol poster, which went for $6.73.
But being happy about other people’s good fortune isn’t really the point of Christmas, is it? Not when we can laugh at other people’s misfortune — like the person who put this Baby Kermit Santa squeeze toy up for auction at a starting price of $1.50, and got no bids. Do I hear thirty-five cents? Same story on this misbegotten Santa Oscar doll from a Japanese Sega Game Center, who looks like he’s all hopped up on eggnog. Opened at $6.95, closed a week later with no bids. Better luck next year!
And here’s a little yuletide mystery for you to ponder. The topic: Christmas ornaments involving Sesame Street Muppets and snowmen. The question: What the hell?
On a similar note, is that a scarf, or is Elmo just extremely happy around the holiday season?
And finally, as a little heartwarming conclusion, here’s some proof that even a Misfit Toy can get some love at Christmas…
This sad-looking little ornament was made by Dakin in 1988. The auction description says: “It is a wooden ornament of a blue Muppet / Sesame Street character (not sure which) holding a gift.” Isn’t that sweet? It’s no wonder they didn’t know which character this is supposed to be. I know which character this is supposed to be, and even I have a hard time recognizing him. But someone took pity on him — someone with a kind heart and with a little more money than they needed — and paid $1.50 plus shipping to bring him home for the holidays.
Now, if some charitable soul can bring this warped little devil doll into their house, then surely there’s enough Christmas spirit to go around for all the misfit toys, isn’t there? If each of us can go out and find an ugly little unwanted Muppet toy this Christmas, pay cash money for it and slip it into some unsuspecting loved one’s stocking… well, maybe we really can have a merry Christmas this year. Frog bless us, every one!
Thanks to the Tough Pigs Elf Posse from the Tough Pigs Forum for finding all this cool stuff:
Captain Cully for the Gonzo jar, the Holiday on Ice poster and the Grover snowman
Scott Hanson for the Snoop Dogg photo
Nate Downs for the Kermit package ornament
Jes Evans for the Sesame plates
Isha Fraggle for the Drunk Oscar and the Extremely Happy Elmo
and Crouching White Kid for the Kermit chew toy, the Elmo snowman and the Misfit Toy ornament!
by Danny Horn
