Part Two : Fifty Bucks and a Meal Voucher
Johnny Fiama and Sal on Larry King Live
December 24, 1996 (continued)
| Sal | And now — the one, the only, Johnny Fiama! And the other, the only, and the bigger one, the only — Mr. Larry King! Give it up! Give it up! Let’s hear that applause! |
| Larry | Yay… |
| Sal | What is that — no applause. |
| Larry | Well, there’s no studio audience here. It’s great to be with you, Johnny… |
| Sal | You have no audience here? |
| Larry | No! |
| Sal | What a rinky-dink operation. |
| Johnny | Sal… Sal… |
| Sal | What, what? |
| Johnny | [ sigh ] Hi, Larry! |
| Larry | Hi, Johnny! [ to Sal ] It’s his show. |
| Sal | Yeah, I know… |
| Larry | Hi, Johnny! Good to be with you! |
| Johnny | Nice of you to be here. Thank you very much. |
| Larry | It’s good to be here on the Johnny Fiama Christmas Show. I’m honored. And I’m honored to have you on mine as well. |
| Johnny | Well, thank you. We’re very honored to have you. Listen, uh… Let me just get right to it, shall I? |
| Larry | Sure! |
| Johnny | What’s with those suspenders? |
| Larry | What do you mean, what’s with them? I like them. |
| Johnny | You just like to wear them all the time, kind of thing? |
| Larry | Well, I started wearing them in 1988, when I had heart surgery. |
| Johnny | Oh! |
| Larry | And I started to feel good, and look better, so I started wearing them. And they became like a habit. |
| Johnny | Well, they look great. |
| Sal | What do they do? |
| Larry | They hold my pants up! |
| Sal | Oh, is that what they do! |
| Larry | But they also look nice, and they match off ties nice. |
| Sal | Y’know what? They do match off the ties nice. |
| Larry | Yeah, you know… A little brown… |
| Sal | Y’know what? That looks really sharp there. Yeah. That’s good. Yeah. |
| Johnny | Anyway, Sal… |
| Sal | I gotta see where I can get some of them. |
| Larry | Sal. It’s his show. |
| Sal | I’m sorry, Johnny. It’s your show. |
| Johnny | Thank you… |
| Sal | I’m gonna fix my hair. |
| Johnny | Thank you, Sal. Listen, another question — I was just curious, have you ever heard any of my albums, Larry? |
| Larry | … No. |
| Johnny | Not one? |
| Larry | No. I don’t know why. Because when I came in here today, they said, you know, you’re on the Johnny Fiama Show… |
| Johnny | Yeah… |
| Larry | I had to honestly admit that I had not heard of you. |
| Johnny | Oh, you’ve never seen the show? |
| Larry | No, I have not seen the show. |
| Sal | What, you’ve never seen the Johnny Fiama Show? |
| Larry | I… No. |
| Sal | Well, Johnny sings all this wonderful music by dead guys. |
| Larry | You sing dead guys…? |
| Johnny | He’s saying I like to sing the classics. Berlin, and y’know, Gershwin. Right. |
| Sal | Gershwin and Berlin and them. |
| Johnny | Right. But they’re good dead guys. |
| Larry | Well, I’ve heard so many great things. Tony Bennett told me about you. |
| Johnny | Oh, he did. |
| Larry | Frank. |
| Johnny | No kidding. |
| Larry | Frank called and said, Hey, go on that guy’s show. |
| Johnny | Did he say that. It’s funny, he won’t come on. But, I’m curious… |
| Sal | That’s cause Johnny actually still owes him some money. |
| Larry | Oh. |
| Johnny | Sal… basta, huh? |
| Sal | Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Johnny. |
| Johnny | So how is it you get all these big people on your show? We can’t… |
| Larry | Well, we have very good producers. They work very hard. |
| Johnny | Is that what it is. |
| Larry | They — do you have a production staff? |
| Johnny | Well, you’re lookin’ at him, right next to you, there. |
| Sal | Yeah, that would be me. I kinda — y’know, I run the cameras and everything. |
| Larry | All of your guests are booked by Sal? |
| Johnny | Sal books ’em all. |
| Sal | Well, y’know, I make ’em an offer they can’t refuse, if y’know what I mean. |
| Johnny | We had Tony Bennett… but then nobody else wants to come, y’know what I mean? |
| Larry | Oh, I can help you. |
| Johnny | Oh, you can! |
| Larry | I’ll tell you what I’ll do, because I like you. And I like you too. |
| Sal | Oh, well, thank you there, Mister K. |
| Larry | … I like you. |
| Sal | Well, thank you. |
| Larry | I’ll ask every one of my guests to come on your show. |
| Johnny | C’mon! |
| Larry | I swear to God. |
| Johnny | Are you kiddin’ me? |
| Larry | I’ll ask… President Clinton… |
| Johnny | C’mon! |
| Larry | Henry Kissinger… |
| Johnny | That’s terrific! |
| Larry | I’ll ask, when they come on. Barbra Streisand… you got her! |
| Johnny | C’mon! Get outta here! |
| Larry | Hey, I’ll do it for you, Johnny, because I like you. |
| Johnny | Awww… Larry, I love ya. I think you’re great. |
| Sal | Yeah, that’s really special. Y’know what else? We can pay them! We pay them, like, fifty bucks! |
| Johnny | Yeah, we give them fifty bucks apiece. |
| Larry | Really? We don’t pay. |
| Johnny | Oh, you’re kidding. |
| Sal | You don’t pay at all? |
| Larry | No. |
| Johnny | Maybe that’s the problem. |
| Sal | Aw, you cheapskate! |
| Larry | Stop that, Sal! |
| Sal | You’re like a cheapskate! |
| Larry | It’s a talk show! |
| Sal | No, we give them fifty bucks and a meal voucher. |
| Johnny | Yeah. |
| Larry | A meal voucher? |
| Sal | Yeah, are you kiddin? A nice one, too. |
| Larry | You mean, I’m gonna get fifty dollars for this? |
| Johnny | Right. And a sandwich. |
| Larry | I am honored. Hey, y’know, guys, I’ve got to go back to my show. Cause I’ve got Michael Feinstein waiting. |
| Sal | Oh, no no no, Larry, you can’t go, cause Johnny wants you to like sing a song, y’know. |
| Johnny | Yeah, would you sing a song with me? |
| Sal | Everybody who comes on Johnny Fiama gotta sing. |
| Larry | Okay. I’ll do it for my fifty. What do you want to do? |
| Johnny | How about Deck the Halls? |
| Larry | Okay, good. I love that. |
| Sal | All right! |
| [ Larry, Johnny and Sal sing a noisy, a capella version of Deck the Halls, with Sal loudly bellowing the fa la las. ] | |
| Johnny | Thank you, Larry! |
| Larry | Thank you! Thank you, Johnny! Thank you, Sal! I’ll be right back with Larry King Live, with Michael Feinstein, for our Christmas. Say goodbye, Johnny. |
| Johnny | Goodbye. |
| Larry | Say goodbye, Sal. |
| Sal | Goodbye there! |
| Larry | Love you. |
| Johnny | Thanks, Larry. |
| Sal | We love you, Larry. |
| Larry | We’ll be right back. [ Larry kisses Sal on the head ] |
| Sal | Mister K. |
Next in the Christmas Anthology:
Kermit teaches Regis Philbin how to wave in
The Muffed Christmas Carol
by Danny Horn
