Pussy cats are the cutest little animals in the whole wide world, and I have a ferocious (but adowable) widdle black cat (seen above) that will scratch your face off if you disagree. Oh, you think your puppy is cute? Pfft, does it curl up in a sunbeam and make you beg for its affections? Exactly. Get outta here with your darn dog.
You know what else are cute? Muppets. Oh man, they’re so cute! Like Abby Cadabby with those big blue eyes? Or Elmo with his cute little laugh? Man, SO CUTE! Hell, they even made a Muppet whose whole identity was cuteness, and now he’s the star of a long running theme park attraction which isn’t going anywhere anytime soon! (Note: This article was written in August 2021).
So if kitty cats are cute, and Muppets are cute, it only stands to reason that Muppet cats would be SUPER cute! That’s double cuteness! So let’s look at a couple now and see if that’s true!
ARGH! What the hell is that? That’s not cute! This cat from Muppet Christmas Carol is awful! It looks so angry. Nope, I don’t like that. That’s not a cute Muppet cat. Let’s look at another one.
OH MY GOD! Oh, sorry, that scared me. This is Catgut, and that name is accurate, because she looks like a mound of cat guts. Truly, why would they make that? What’s wrong with her? Ugh, fine, let’s keep going.
MY EYES! Why is it so smooth!? I know there are Sphynx cats out there, but their heads are notoriously small, not the watermelon this dude is sporting! And those ears! They’re haunting… I don’t want to look again…
SATAN! Uh, sorry, I’m so sorry. I think it was the eyes that got me. I mean they’re really trying with the nice blue bow, but it can only get us so far. It’s not as awful as that previous orange monstrosity, so maybe we’re on the incline?
OH FOR GOD’S SAKE! What the hell are we even doing? Why is it so ugly? Look, I get it, it’s supposed to always be scared because it lives with Scary Mary. I read the damn thing’s Muppet Wiki page. But those eyes… No thank you. Alright, let’s try just a couple more…
AHH! Well, that’s the most harrowing thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I know most cats of these cats are scary to look at, but she’s the first who looks like she’d also be super mean to me. My cat is already super mean to me, but at least he’s not a stuck up socialite like this thing.
HELL SPAWN! This is the first cat on the list that looks like it’s been in a terrible accident. This is why you must keep your cats indoors. Because otherwise they run out on the road and get hit by a cement truck and look like this, and yet somehow they continue to exist as the thing of nightmares!
Okay, okay. Look, we’ve tried domestic cats. But there are also big cats! Like lions! I remember Chicago the Lion! He’s cool! Maybe there are other big cats that are cute!
WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT!? Okay but why? But why though? Like, why would they even do that? I thought maybe it was a wacky Dr Suess lion but no, this thing was on the German version on Sesame Street. Haven’t the German’s been through enough? I’ve just read she wasn’t built by Muppet Workshop, so maybe she isn’t an official Muppet? So maybe that makes it not so ba– nope, I looked again, it’s bad.
Ahhhh, that’s better. Little Murray Sparkles, the cat so cute I named my own cat after him. This is good. This is my happy place. What a little cutie patootie. He’s the goodest pussy cat, and I would like him to curl up on my lap and then drink milk from a saucer.
I feel so much better. I don’t know what I was so afraid of. Okay, maybe we try one more cat. Let’s go for another big cat! A tiger this time!
I give up.
By Jarrod Fairclough – [email protected]
Click here to wonder if Khan the tiger is sick on the ToughPigs Discord!
