Breaking News
Part 9: Tortoise vs Hare: The Rematch
Cast: Jim Henson (Kermit),Jerry Nelson (Hare, Announcer), Frank Oz (Tortoise), Marty Robinson (Referee).
| Announcer
|
We take you now to Kermit the Frog with another fast-breaking news story! |
| Kermit
|
I don’t know why they call it the Tortoise and the Hare. I mean, why don’t they just call it the Turtle and the Rabbit? Hm? Oh. Hi ho, Kermit the Frog, here to report on what is being billed as the Race of the Century, a rematch between the Tortoise and the Hare. Now, as you track fans will recall, the first time these two met, the Hare was a heavy favorite! But the Tortoise, using a strategy which he called “slow but steady,” won the race! And now these two competitors will meet again. In just a moment… |
| [ The crowd starts to jeer and boo as the Hare arrives. ] | |
| Hare
|
Aw, who ASKED ya? Whatta YOU know? |
| Kermit
|
Let’s see if we can get a word with him. Excuse me, Hare — Kermit the Frog, Sesame Street News — uh, could you give us a prediction on the outcome of today’s race? |
| Hare
|
Yeah! I’m gonna WIN! |
| Kermit
|
Mm hmm, and, uh, why is that? |
| Hare
|
Whatta you think? Because I’m FAST! |
| [ ZIP! The Hare zooms off screen. ZIP! He screeches back up to Kermit. ] | |
| Kermit
|
Wow! |
| Hare
|
FAST! See? |
| Kermit
|
Yes, indeed, and yet, last time, you lost the race. |
| Hare
|
I took a nap, okay? This time I’m gonna WIN! Ya know WHY? |
| Kermit
|
Um… |
| Hare
|
Because I’m FAST! |
| Kermit
|
Mmm, yes, I think you mentioned that already, uh… |
| [ The crowd starts to cheer. ] | |
| Kermit
|
Wait a second, listen to that roar, I think here comes… Here comes the Tortoise! The Tortoise, ladies and gentlemen! |
| [ The Tortoise crawls in. ] | |
| Hare
|
Yeah, LOOK at this guy! Pathetic! PaTHETic! I’m FAST, he’s SLOW! I’m FAST, he’s SLOW! FAST! SLOW! FAST! SLOW! Nyah nyah ny-nyaah nyaaaaah! |
| Tortoise
|
Ex-cuse me… [ The Tortoise exits. ] |
| Hare
|
Ha ha! He’s giving up before he even STARTS! |
| Kermit
|
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it does seem to be true, the Tortoise does seem to have left the track! |
| Referee
|
Runners to the starting line! |
| Hare
|
Ex-cuuuuuse ME! [ The Hare ZIPS! to the starting line. ] |
| Kermit
|
Well, ladies and gentlemen, the race is about to begin, and there is no sign of the Tortoise. |
| Hare
|
Ha ha! He’s not even gonna TRY! |
| Referee
|
On your marks! |
| Hare
|
That’s no Tortoise… he’s a CHICKEN! |
| Referee
|
Get set! |
| [ Just behind the starting line, the Tortoise is rigged up with a rocket. ] | |
| Tortoise
|
Ex-cuse me… |
| Referee
|
GO! |
| [ The Tortoise starts up his rocket, and blasts through the starting line. ] | |
| Hare
|
What was THAT? |
| Kermit
|
That, folks, was FAST! |
| [ The Tortoise circles the track, and blasts through the finish line. ] | |
| Referee
|
The WINNER! |
| Kermit
|
The Tortoise! The Tortoise is the winner once again, ladies and gentlemen! |
| Hare
|
What do you mean, he’s the winner? He wasn’t — he didn’t even — |
| Referee
|
Yes, he was, and he did! |
| Hare
|
Hey, somebody look up under the rule book! Look under C for CHEATING! He — he didn’t — I wasn’t — they, they — I couldn’t — that wasn’t FAIR! |
by Danny Horn
