This might be hard to believe, but I don’t just love Muppets. I actually have other interests! (I’ll give you a moment to pick your jaws off the floor.) And sometimes, when they come together, they get my mind working. So earlier this month, Sesame Street released a cute video of some of the characters singing that timeless sports classic, “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.”
If you haven’t watched it, you should! There’s a lot of rare characters in it, like Don Music, Biff and Sully, and Guy Smiley! Now that alone would be exciting enough, but here’s the thing: I love baseball. So seeing the Sesame gang playing my favorite sport got me to thinking: what would a Sesame Street all-star team look like? I crunched the numbers, divided by WAR and added a dash of PECOTA, and came up with the ultimate Sesame lineup.
Umpire: Count von Count
Aside from calling balls and strikes, the umpire needs to be able to keep an accurate count. And there’s no more accurate count than the Count himself! And he’s far less likely to be told he needs glasses, because he’s already got a monocle!
Manager: Oscar the Grouch
While you run the risk of Oscar leaving a pitcher in the game because they’re throwing junk, he’s got the demeanor to make the tough decisions necessary to win. Not to mention he’d relish arguing with the umpire, which is also a big part of the job.
Bench Coach: Prairie Dawn
Prairie was made for leadership (and I’m not just saying that so that Becca will give me back my baseball signed by Fergie Jenkins). She’s great at directing her friends at their roles in pageants, so she’s got what it takes to break any hitter out of a slump.
Starting Pitcher: Abby Cadabby
You might think I would’ve picked her because of her magical abilities, but she doesn’t need them here! I watched that video, she can throw the heat! Not to mention her wings could help her field some pop flies or get out of the way when a ball is hit up the middle of the infield. I’ll let her toe the pitching rubber any day.
Catcher: Cookie Monster
Cookie Monster’s pear-shaped figure likely gives him a low center of gravity, which would help him to crouch behind the plate. And with all that executive function training he’s had, he’s got the patience and composure to help call for pitches. And whatever he can’t catch with his hands, he can catch with his mouth.
First Base: Elmo
Whether it’s fielding a throw from across the diamond or leaping to stop a ball from reaching the outfield, you need some fancy footwork to play first base. And it’s well-documented that Elmo’s got the moves.
Second Base: Ernie
Playing second means having to be able to pivot quickly, especially when there’s a potential double play. Considering Ernie can go for laughs by wearing a disguise kit to singing one of the most wistful songs in the Sesame songbook, “I Don’t Want to Live on the Moon,” he’s the right guy for second base. Plus, the Pittsburgh Pirates gave him the number two on their bobblehead. Who am I to dispute that?
Shortstop: Grover
Ironically, height has always been an advantage at shortstop, and Grover’s pretty tall. Not to mention his wiry frame should help his throwing. Honestly, Grover’s kind of the perfect utility player. He’s certainly held down enough jobs for it!
Third Base: Bert
At the hot corner, you need someone with a steady hand and a rock-solid resolve. You need someone who can take some abuse. For over half a century, Bert has endured Ernie’s repeated pranks and general nonsense, and yet, they stay best friends. That’s a testament to Bert’s stick-to-itiveness, and that makes him the right one for third.
Left Field: Herry Monster
From Billy Williams to Ted Williams, left field has been home to some very notable power hitters. And who’s got more power than Herry? He’s able to rip doors off their hinges, so I’m willing to bet that he could rip the cover off the ball. (Not literally, there are rules against betting on baseball.)
Center Field: Big Bird
For the deepest part of the outfield, you’re going to need someone very tall, and an 8’2” bird seems right. Plus, his indefatigable spirit will make him a great presence in the clubhouse. He can take the pressure off by reminding his teammates that everyone makes mistakes, but that’s no reason to stop trying. I don’t think he’ll be allowed to ride his unicycle in center field though, unless he signs with the Savannah Bananas.
Right Field: Rosita
Rounding out the outfield is someone with a distinct advantage. Now that she has her wings back, Rosita will be able to glide around and cover right field with the best of them. And on top of that, her skills on the guitar will make the seventh inning stretch more fun.
Designated Hitter: Mr. Snuffleupagus
Love or hate the designated hitter, you’d be hard-pressed to say that it’s not a great excuse to get Snuffy into the game. He’s not terribly fast, so baserunning might be a challenge, but as he demonstrated to Keith Hernandez and Mookie Wilson, he can hit a ball pretty far! You can take your time rounding the bases if you hit a home run, so he’d be who I’d look to in the bottom of the ninth.
Relief Pitcher: Zoe
When it gets late in a game, the tension gets turned up. Can you hold onto a slim lead? Can you rally back from being down? You need a pitcher who can perform under pressure. You know who else performs under pressure? Ballerinas. Zoe’s pirouettes will keep batters more frustrated than Elmo whenever Zoe brings up you know what.
Broadcast Booth: Telly and the Two-Headed Monster
As he showed with Ron Darling, Telly’s got a love of baseball statistics, and coupled with the unending (not to mention indecipherable) debate between the Two-Headed Monster, they’ll make any game entertaining.
Hot Dog Vendor: Gonger
(This is part of the reason I put Grover at shortstop. Even if the team doesn’t win, you at least have a chance of getting your order correct.)
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by Matthew Soberman – [email protected]
