The following article was originally published in The ToughPigs Herald on December 24th 1843. It has been recovered and is presented now in its entirety with the assistance of a Dickensian translator. No AI has been used in the process of restoring this article.
Hark, fellow ToughPigs, and a good morrow to ye! ‘Tis Christmas Eve that doth grace us with its presence, and as we seize this blessed occasion to gather ’round our hearths with kin and kith, let us cast a backward glance upon the year of our Lord, 1843.
Indeed, what a twelvemonth it hath been! No sooner had the bells of January ceased their ringing than news arrived of the intrepid Captain James Clark Ross, who, amidst the frozen wastes, didst lay claim to Snow Hill Island, nestled nigh the Antarctic Peninsula. Then, in the merry month of May, did Chile boldly seize the Strait of Magellan, a prize of considerable import. Yet, scarcely five days hence, London, that bustling hive of humanity, bore witness to the unveiling of a new novella from the unparalleled pen of Mr. Charles Dickens himself, ‘A Christmas Carol‘! A harrowing Yuletide narrative it is, concerning one Ebenezer Scrooge, a man as tight-fisted as they come, and his spectral journey towards redemption and a more charitable disposition.
In the realm of literary fancy, it is evident that a Muppet interpretation of ‘A Christmas Carol’ would be an endeavour fraught with insurmountable challenges; nonetheless, the esteemed ToughPigs have undertaken the whimsical task of envisioning a cast of Muppets in this time-honoured tale.
Bob Cratchit – Kermit the Frog
In the realm of imaginative theatre, it might indeed be a challenge to envisage the placid and gentle Kermit the Frog assuming any role other than that of the mild-mannered Bob Cratchit. For Bob, a man of kindness and amiability, though possessing a certain meekness, is Scrooge’s devoted and industrious clerk, a paragon of familial devotion and a beacon of provision for his loved ones. Much like Kermit, the indomitable leader and provider to the motley crew of Muppets, he exemplifies a spirit of generosity and care. One might even imagine Kermit, with his characteristic charm, serenading the denizens of Christmas Eve with a delightful ditty, perhaps even featuring a jaunty troupe of ice-skating penguins!
Jacob and Robert Marley – Statler and Waldorf
In contemplating the spectral visitation of Scrooge, it struck me that the singular apparition of Jacob Marley might be enhanced by the inclusion of a second brother, perhaps christened Robert. Much like Scrooge himself, Jacob Marley was a scowling old miser, one who had employed his considerable wealth for purposes most nefarious. One might draw parallels to the irascible duo of Statler and Waldorf, whose sharp-tongued heckles served as instruments of a similar ill intent.
Fezziwig – Fozzie Bear
Thankfully, this is a slam dunk in terms of names. Changing Fezziwig to Fozziwig could well be the key to the success of this entire adaptation. Mr. Fezziwig is a kindly gentleman, generous and ever eager to address a crowd. So too is Fozzie Bear, though he lacks the skills that make Mr. Fezziwig such a notable public speaker.
Mrs Cratchit – Miss Piggy
By engaging Mr. Kermit in the persona of Mr. Bob Cratchit, it is indeed a stroke of genius to bestow upon Miss Piggy the character of his estimable spouse. Mrs. Cratchit, a paragon of maternal and conjugal affection, is no shrinking violet. This part shall permit Miss Piggy to demonstrate her dramatic prowess, whilst potentially affording her the opportunity to exhibit a glimpse of her more formidable nature.
Tiny Tim – Robin the Frog
While Kermit, in the natural course of events, has no offspring of his own, he possesses an adorable nephew, young Robin, who could, with the greatest of ease, step into the diminutive shoes of Tiny Tim. The legendary Muppet performer, Mr. Jerry Nelson, would imbue the character of Tiny Tim with such vitality that the portrayal of the Cratchit family’s Christmas Future would become all the more poignant and heartrending.
The Ghosts of Christmas – New Muppets
In the spirit of the festive season, one might be tempted to bestow the roles of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come upon such venerable Muppets as the industrious Scooter, the vivacious Miss Piggy, or the intrepid Gonzo. However, a more delightful course might be to invent entirely new Muppet characters for these ethereal duties.
For the Ghost of Christmas Past, instead of a perpetually shifting child with an excess of limbs, I envision a young female Muppet, captured in a vessel of pure water, rather than the more cumbersome baby oil. This would certainly simplify the matter of maintaining her pristine appearance.
As for the Ghost of Christmas Present, a large, jovial Muppet, perhaps reminiscent of a friendly Gorg, could be brought to life by the skilled hand of Jerry Nelson. Who better to imbue this role with warmth and good cheer?
Lastly, for the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, I picture a dark, imposing figure, cloaked and silent, striking fear into the heart of Scrooge and the young audience alike. Fear not, dear reader, for they shall find it a cultural experience to savour.
Charles Dickens – The Great Gonzo
Indubitably, the esteemed Charles Dickens, a luminary of English letters, is not a character within our narrative, yet his presence is indeed of paramount importance, for his resplendent prose pervades the very fabric of our tale. To forfeit some of his more vivid turns of phrase would be a grievous error, and thus, I suggest we enlist the singular talents of The Great Gonzo to assume the mantle of narrator, with the venerable Rizzo the Rat, perhaps, serving as his trusty aide-de-camp.
Unnamed London Resident – Mr. Curly Twirly
To brim the stage with figures of mirth and merriment, we must summon a complete troupe of Muppets, a gathering that shall encompass even the most arcane of background players from productions gone by. Indeed, I am of the firm belief that our entertainment shall be incomplete without the presence of the incomparable Mr. Curly Twirly, perhaps resplendent in a jaunty hat and coat, adding a dash of whimsy to our spectacle!
Ebenezer Scrooge – A Human
The tale of A Christmas Carol centres upon Ebenezer Scrooge, who bears the brunt of the emotive burden. ‘Tis scarcely conceivable to imagine audiences harbouring sympathy for a Scrooge enacted by the likes of J.P Gross or Marvin Suggs. A more fitting choice would be a human lead, lending an air of whimsy to the role. Such an actor must approach the part as if performing with some theatrical company of note, akin to the Bard’s own troupe. Alas, I daresay such a talent shall not be born for many a long year, possibly eighty-nine and more.
Greetings of the season to ye all, Muppet devotees!
By Mr. Jarrod Fairclough the 2nd, a gentleman of considerable literary acumen
You can send Mr. Fairclough the 2nd an electronic mail on [email protected]
Enter here to let it be known that there exists but a solitary Marley sibling within the confines of the ToughPigs Discord!
