Four years ago, I stood in this very space and promoted Ernie, a Presidential candidate I believed in very much. A majority of Americans agreed with me, and President Ernie has served faithfully for the past four years. But Ernie decided against a reelection bid, choosing instead to focus on tending his garden and visiting the moon. So today I stand before you again to promote a new candidate, one that I know will be a worthy successor to the Ernie legacy – The Great Gonzo.
Gonzo the Great is a true visionary who knows what the people want. He knows this country like the back of his hand (right down to the mole on his thumb and the scar on southern Indiana). In the past he has brought the masses classy works of great art, and now he’ll bring them the works of a strong, responsible government. Elect Gonzo, and in no time, he’ll look inside to make this nation a jamboree.
In between his many stints as a struggling artist, Gonzo also spent three decades running a successful plumbing business. He slowly worked his way up from a single truck parked on top of a rainbow-colored Studebaker to a huge national corporation. That cautious, steady hand will help as he turns this economy around. But when the federal budget calls for a radical change, he’ll be ready for that too. Just last year, Gonzo blew up his entire business plan in a risky move that paid off in a huge way. Meanwhile, his running mate Rizzo the Rat has stayed connected to the working class, spending time as a waiter in a low-rent Manhattan diner. Gonzo might know Joe the Plumber personally, but Rizzo is the common man on this ticket.
Gonzo and Rizzo have devoted much of their careers to spreading a love of literature to the American public. Most famously, of course, Gonzo wrote A Christmas Carol, which the pair narrated together. In addition, they’ve presented fables, fairy tales, and informative documentaries. They’ve also worked to increase public safety, hosting a TV series called Incredible Discoveries about how to avoid painful household accidents. With Gonzo and Rizzo in charge, the US will be well-read and well-armed with information of all sorts.
Gonzo isn’t afraid to tackle environmental problems. You go run from thunder, and you stay ‘way from rain, but he’ll be looking at the colors in the puddles, to see how he can reverse climate change.
Gonzo and Rizzo were both intimately involved in the nation’s founding, serving as members of the Second Continental Congress. More recently, they led the Muppets through the group’s darkest period. In the 1990s, Kermit was understandably less active than he had been in previous years. Gonzo and Rizzo picked up the slack, keeping the classic Muppet spirit alive for an entire decade. Having easily beaten Clifford’s attempted takeover of the franchise, they will have no trouble keeping the nation safe from its own non-homies made of foamy.
While our opponent has visited more countries, Gonzo has deeper, better-rounded experience with a handful of nations. As mentioned, he has spent considerable time in the United Kingdom. He served as one of its most beloved authors, and he took beautiful photographs of its most impressive supper club. He also treasures the nation of India, holding its films up as the world’s greatest cinematic achievement. He even lived at the North Pole as a young man. Gonzo’s always eager for new challenges. As President, he’ll approach every nation of the world with a daredevil’s spirit, jumping fearlessly into every meeting and summit.
Gonzo and Rizzo will work valiantly to improve the nation’s health care, splitting their focus between injury and disease. Rizzo is intimately familiar with a wide variety of plagues and diseases, and he’ll use his large network of friends and relatives to spread (affordable coverage for) all of them. Meanwhile, Gonzo will work to ensure that his health care plan (“WhateverCare”) covers all possible injuries, going so far as to personally test out every single one of them. Not only is Gonzo unafraid to suffer for his constituents, he’s downright thrilled about it.
Gonzo (who is married to a chicken of British origin, probably) is accepting of everyone, regardless of origin or species. If elected, he will gladly welcome all manner of people, animals, monsters, aliens, animate food products, and even Tim Curry. Everyone will be welcome in Gonzo’s America, because he doesn’t see borders – he only sees an audience to impress, a crowd to wow, and a public to serve faithfully.
Despite malicious rumors to the contrary, Gonzo is a native Earthling. If you don’t believe me, you can check his birth certificate, filed by his mother two years before he was born. He has, however, visited space a number of times – on his motorcycle for some reason, in lightning-induced dream sequences, and as the villainous Dearth Nadir. But more importantly, he’s deeply committed to going back there someday. So fly, don’t walk, on featherless wings to your nearest polling center and cast your vote for Gonzo/Rizzo 2012!
Tomorrow, Joe Hennes will tell you all of the reasons why you shouldn’t vote for Gonzo and Rizzo, which I’m sure will be slanderous and absurd. And remember to vote this weekend!
Special thanks to Roz Strand for writing assistance and to Scott Hanson for the rats-in-gas-masks screencap.
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by Anthony Strand