Did you hear about this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest a couple weeks ago? Joey Chestnut ate 70.5 hot dogs in the men’s competition and Miki Sudo ate 33 hot dogs in the women’s competition. All in ten minutes! Holy frankfurters, that’s a lot of hot dogs!
I’m always amazed — and sometimes disgusted — by competitive eaters. How can a human being fit so much food inside themselves? And then I started thinking about the next logical question: Which Muppets and Henson characters could eat enough hot dogs to win an eating contest? Here’s what I came up with.
Gonzo: He might not be the first character you’d think of, but Gonzo has been known to eat an entire rubber tire in one sitting, so he must have a lot of room in that stomach of his. How many hot dogs do you suppose are equal to one rubber tire? Also, Gonzo’s nose kind of resembles a hot dog.
Rizzo: In The Muppet Christmas Carol and Muppet Treasure Island, Rizzo rarely stops thinking about food. But the Nathan’s contest serves regular-sized hot dogs… Would the rat be able to eat more than a few of them before getting full?
Oscar the Grouch: Oscar regularly eats foods that the average person would find revolting, including his “B sandwich” and various ice cream sundaes with yucky toppings. Eating 70 hot dogs in ten minutes also sounds revolting to many people, so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to suggest that Oscar might be able to do it. He wouldn’t be putting ketchup or mustard on them, though — more like motor oil and coffee grounds! Right? Ugh, that guy is so gross.
Animal: I think it’s accurate to say that Animal has a healthy appetite. You know that Frank Oz quote we love to cite, where he says that Animal’s personality is defined by food, drums, sleep, sex, and pain? That means food is 20% of Animal’s whole identity! Hot dogs are considerably tastier than drums, so I assume he’d be eager to eat a whole heap of them if given the opportunity. And speaking of heaps…
Gorgon Heap: He’s not the most famous of all ravenous Muppets, but in the first two seasons of The Muppet Show, he ate several Muppets whole across a few appearances. If he could eat a Muppet named Wayne, he can definitely eat several hot dogs named Nathan’s. Gorgon Heap? More like Gorgon EATS! (Also, a tip of the chef’s hat to Big V, Gorgon’s predecessor who ate Kermit in the “Glow Worm” sketch!)
Dr. Teeth: I don’t know why. He just seems like the kind of dude who might really like hot dogs. And unlike most Muppets, he has teeth to chew them with!
Clifford: Another less-than-obvious choice, but do you remember on Muppets Tonight when Clifford and Martin Short ate a ton of Mama Fiama’s spaghetti sauce and they both became cartoonishly overweight in a matter of minutes? Of course you remember it! Anyway, if Clifford can gulp down sauce like that, I bet he can also chow down on a bunch of hot dogs.
The Hot Dogs from CityKids and Puppet Up: Wait a minute… That would be CANNIBALISM! I’m shocked that you would even consider such a thing. You should be ashamed.
The Skeksis: In one of the most memorable scenes in The Dark Crystal, we spend several minutes watching the Skeksis eat. Unsurprisingly, those hideous bird-lizard monsters are wholly unconcerned with table etiquette. In a competition where each entrant is trying to shove as many hot dogs in their gob as they can, as fast as they can, the uncouth Skeksis would do pretty well. But would the judges allow them to wash down their hot dogs using Podling essence instead of the traditional water?
Big Mean Carl: I suppose most Muppet monsters would have an advantage in an eating contest. Eating is one of their defining characteristics! Big Mean Carl has eaten bagpipes, birds, clothing, whole and unopened cookie boxes, and several bunnies. His maw is exceptionally gaping, so he’d be able to toss handfuls of hot dogs in there at a time. In fact, I might be ready to declare him the winner of this hypothetical eating contest, if not for…
Cookie Monster: You knew this was coming. He’s the all-time eating champion of the Muppets. He can apparently eat unlimited amounts of anything. For a guy who can wolf down telephones, typewriters, Christmas trees, pipes, Peabodys, Daytime Emmys, and Volkswagens — oh yeah, and mountains of cookies — winning a hot dog-eating contest would be a piece of cake. Seriously — Cookie Monster could eat Joey Chestnut’s lunch… and his dinner, and his breakfast, and his dessert. And I believe Cookie Monster could eat more hot dogs than any other Muppet. And if I’m ever proven wrong, I’ll eat my hat. With ketchup.
Thanks as always to Muppet Wiki for many of these images! Click here to eat this article on the Tough Pigs Discord!
By Ryan Roe – [email protected]
