In case you missed it, our podcast Movin’ Right Along has just wrapped its season on the 1999 classic Muppets From Space two minutes at a time, and they talked about it a lot. There’s virtually nothing left to analyze with that movie now, but there IS plenty to talk about with the space-themed movie they almost made instead.
As you may or may not recall, there were actually TWO Muppet-space movies in development over at Jim Henson Pictures in the mid-to-late 1990s. Jerry Juhl’s Star Gonzo won out, but his Muppet Treasure Island co-writer Kirk Thatcher was developing his own idea too – his movie was titled Muppets In Space. While the title is basically the same as the movie we actually got, the premise couldn’t be more different.
We’re going to spend all week bringing you the story of Muppets In Space, in particular the January 18, 1998 draft (written by Thatcher, with some revisions by Rick Copp & David Goodman). So, set your warp factors to “GO” and let’s travel where few Muppet fans have gone before!
(Now, unlike our previous week with an unmade Muppet movie, I didn’t wrangle any fan artists in a timely fashion to prep some concept art for this series. So instead, I’ll just be using a bunch of random photos of Muppets as astronauts. I’ve been assured by my legal counsel that this should result in no less than a 11% reduction in enjoyment!)
The script opens with an obligatory Star Wars-type crawl setting up the world of the film. It’s deep in the 21st century, and mankind has mastered space travel to all reaches of the universe. However, a race of aliens known as Snardians have vowed to destroy the Earth, and they start by flying their ship through the onscreen text.
We then transition to a futuristic city, specifically at the Plopco Processing Facility in Elizabeth, New Jersey. It is here that we find Kermit, Fozzie, and Piggy as sanitation workers; Kermit and Fozzie inspect a rusty pipe leaking green goo, while Piggy (and Foo-Foo) get a lounge and tan nearby. The goo turns out to be alive and grabs Kermit’s mop and Piggy’s sunlamp before she kicks it across the room. She asks what that glop is, when Charlton Heston appears and declares it’s “Soylent Green.” Kermit corrects him that Soylent Green is not made from people, but “pea-poles,” poles to hold up pea plants. Embarrassed, he shuffles off.
Kermit and Fozzie start to recall their days as vaudevillian-like entertainers (Mr. Green Beans and Mr. Bear) back on the Martian colonies, and flashback to a quick comedy routine. Their flashback is interrupted by their superior (suggested to be played by Bill Murray, Gilbert Gottfried, or Rob Schnider), admonishing them for loafing about. Piggy snaps back and Foo-Foo bites his butt, and the three are promptly fired.
Fozzie frets that they’ve got no hope in finding a new purpose, especially with their entertainment gigs deemed old fashioned. But Kermit is optimistic that just around the corner is a new, exciting opportunity. Fozzie likens this to “those Disney cartoons” with big songs and moral lessons. He eagerly goes to the corner of the hall and looks to see what’s in store, and is instead bopped by the goo with the mop. They turn up the radio, where a commercial for the United States Space Corp plays. Soon, the recruitment ad turns into a big, flashy musical number about how great the service is, with dancers, a marching band, streamers, and lasers. The Muppets decide this is their destiny.
The three arrive at the barracks of the Space Corp Training Center, with Kermit lugging all of Piggy’s suitcases. In the line-up, they meet Rizzo and Gonzo (who loves the physical examinations), who recognize Kermit and Fozzie from their days as entertainers. Piggy takes Foo-Foo out to “piddle,” when in walks a large robot named Rex (described to have a voice like the unintelligible NYC Subway announcements). He is followed by Sergeant Buck Wodgers (suggested to be Rowan Atkinson or David Spade), who has to fix Rex’s head when he salutes it off his body. He tells the recruits what a grueling eight weeks of training they’re in for before marching them out the door; Rex jogs right into the wall.
Training begins with a visit to the centrifuge, which Gonzo volunteers the group to try (to their chagrin). As it spins around and around, the male Muppets all get smashed up against the glass window, while Piggy is unharmed and uses the chance to give her hair a blow-out. Next, they assemble and test out transporter devices. Most cadets are unscathed (save for weird hairstyles and backwards clothes), but Rizzo’s teleporter catches fire and burns his tail, Kermit and Fozzie swap heads, and Gonzo’s body parts are all shuffled around. Piggy effortlessly comes out perfectly. Finally, they all must fight in combat against Rex, who easily defeats everyone. When Piggy sees Kermit harmed, she reduces Rex to scrap metal.
It’s now graduation day, and due to the impending Snardian invasion, the bar for graduating is greatly lowered (indicated by a theme park measurement sign), meaning the Muppets have successfully made it. Wodgers hands out envelopes with their assignments and scoffs at Kermit’s ideas of violence-free resolutions with the Snardians. Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo are all assigned purgation engineer fifth class to the Starship Impressive. However, despite requesting being with the group, Piggy is instead assigned to be an officer in training aboard the SS Agressive, since her potential is far and away greater than the other Muppets. Piggy refuses, until she meets her superior officer Rod Hunkman (Mel Gibson).
The Muppets take their positions on the SS Impressive as custodial staff, but Kermit is certain one day, they’ll rise up the ranks and find themselves on the bridge. That day turns out to be today, as they are summoned up there. On the bridge, they meet Mr. Squawk (Sam the Eagle with a bowlcut and Vulcan ears), who takes them to meet Captain Phil Durer in his swiveling chair (that knocks Mr. Squawk down repeatedly). He orders the crew to clean off the viewscreen. They are eager to start, hoping this is the leg-up they need to get noticed by their commanding officers.
Lieutenant Janice patches through a call from the President of Space Corps (suggested to be “a well known actor” like James Earl Jones or William Shatner). He informs the crew that an unknown spacecraft has entered the solar system, suspecting it might be a Snardian craft; he orders the Impressive ship to scope it out. The ship goes into lightspeed, sending the Muppets flying backwards into Captain Durer’s lap and drenching him with cleaning fluid. He calls for “Bones” (a Muppet skeleton) to help him, but he replies, “Dammit Phil! I’m a skeleton, not a sponge!”
The Impressive halts at the alien mothership, described to be “very strange, and organic looking, as if it were alive.” Captain Durer asks for a reading, so Mr. Squawk starts to recite “The Village Blacksmith,” until Durer specifies a reading of the ship. Mr. Squawk has no specific details, beyond stating it’ll be the Happy Meal toy depending on the movie’s success. Janice’s scan finds no intelligent life aboard it. Captain Durer decides they should blow it up, but Kermit believes that they should send some goodwill ambassadors to scope it out, in case there are actually aliens aboard and to prevent a potential act of war. Kermit volunteers himself and his friends to be the expendable crew sent to check it out.
Deck Officer Clifford helps the gang get into their space suits and prepare for transport. Fozzie makes sure he has his copy of “1001 Jokes for All Lifeforms.” Before they’re teleported, they’re provided with their robo-tech assistants, Bunse-NE14T and Beak-RUAQT-OUR-IM12 (Bunsen and Beaker as robots). Gonzo asks why Clifford won’t be coming along and he replies, “Are you crazy man? I read the script!”
The group is beamed onto the alien ship, which is dark, eerie, and empty. As Kermit talks to the group, he imitates the static sound of a two-way communicator. He has Bunse-N and Beak-R do a sweep of the room to make sure the air is breathable. Bunsen pulls Beaker’s nose from his face, detecting the air before snapping it back like measuring tape. Beaker’s eyes roll around until his pupils are replaced with the letters “OK,” indicating the air on the ship is breathable. They remove their helmets and inspect the corridor of the ship.
They reach the ship’s control room and spot a frosted door in the wall, with what appears to be a green sub sandwich wrapped in plastic inside; Rizzo wants to eat it, naturally. Gonzo presses a button that opens the door, but it also causes the entire ship to light up and rev. Kermit sends a transmission to the Impressive requesting their return, but Captain Durer thinks it’s part of the alien’s ploy. Suddenly, the alien ship takes off towards the Earth, and the Impressive follows, intending to destroy the ship before it can supposedly destroy Earth. They open fire, narrowly missing the alien vessel before it launches into hyperspace and disappearing from sight. Captain Durer is less concerned about losing the cleaning crew than he is losing the expensive robots.
And off our Muppet friends go on their wacky space adventure! What perils await them around the next corner? None! Because there are no corners in space! You should know that, you silly goose. Anyway, we’ll find out what happens to Kermit, Fozzie, and those other ones whose names I totally remember in Part 2 later this week!
Click here to correct Charlton Heston on the Tough Pigs Discord!
By Shane Keating
