What a gift it is when you can see a special over and over and still find new things to discover with every viewing. Such is what I learned when I went to the Museum of the Moving Image a few weeks ago for their screening of Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas. Last year, our own Ryan Roe made the argument that the Riverbottom Nightmare Band deserved to win the talent show, but as I watched, an observation hit me hard, like it was 1996 and it was down between me and a desperate parent for the last Tickle Me Elmo.
Everyone deserved to win that contest! That’s right, everyone! (Pretend I just shouted that like Gary Oldman.)
Allow me to take you through the events of the talent show (and beyond) to explain my theory.
Why Shirley and Nat Muskrat Deserved to Win
Having two people perform a single character is always a challenge (Just ask anyone who’s ever been inside the Mr. Snuffleupagus puppet), and it’s not surprising that Carrots the Dancing Horse falls apart before they ever get the chance to dance like no one’s watching. But sometimes failure presents a new opportunity, one that Nat tackles with great aplomb. He falls down, and rather than crawl or get up and walk off, he propels himself, flat on his back, off the stage by kicking his feet in the air. He literally defies the laws of physics! When you can break the rules of nature itself, that’s worth fifty bucks.
Why Lindsay and Dierdre Mole Deserved to Win
Granted, we never see or hear the Moles’ “Duet for Snare Drum and Piccolo,” In fact, all we see is Mayor Fox reminding the crowd who they were after their act. Before that, we fade in from black. But that can only mean one thing: their duet was capable of rendering the entire auditorium unconscious! Their talent isn’t music, it’s mass hypnosis! How can you compete with that? You can’t, they’ll just hypnotize you into thinking you already performed, and you stunk.
Why Yancy Woodchuck Deserved to Win
Besides the fact that he’s a time-travelling, supernatural, woodchuck of the people, he serves as a symbol of the underdog. Unlike everyone else we see compete in this show, he performs a complete solo act. Sure, Alice Otter sings later, but she has a piano player accompany her! It’s just a woodchuck, a banjo, and a simple message that barbecue is delicious. And it is! It’s smoky, sweet comfort food that just hits the spot. Some of my fondest memories of meals happen to be barbecue. You know what? Barbecue cuisine also deserved to win the talent show.
Why George and Melissa Rabbit Deserved to Win
Much like the Muskrats, the Rabbits do have a talent, just not the one they show off. Their revealing outfits display their toned, well-sculpted legs. These are legs that are able to get them to leap several (rabbit’s) feet up in the air. They’re not dancers, they’re body-builders! Forget the talent show, they need to enter Mr. and Ms. Universe in the Woodland Division!
Why the Squirrels Deserved to Win
Sure, some musical acts sing about unity and brotherhood, but the Squirrels? They live it. They’re up on that stage cheering on their fellow siblings as they throw themselves into the air. And not only that, there’s a Squirrel in the audience also applauding. Considering the idea behind most talent shows is that the performers will help bring folks and put butts in seats, the Squirrels deliver. It’s not like Alice showed up to support Emmet, and Emmet didn’t even buy a ticket to cheer for his mother. Who needs them?
Why Alice Otter Deserved to Win
Oh, right. Okay, seriously, Alice sounds wonderful. And for a show held on Christmas Eve, the whole message of love and acceptance is really appropriate. So kudos to her for her song selection. And that dress helps give her a sense of authority. She knows that there’s room for everyone in our world, and you just believe her. The song is perfect, the voice is perfect, the presentation is perfect. That’s worth hocking Pa’s tool chest for.
Why the Frogtown Hollow Jubilee Jug Band Deserved to Win
On a similar note (I believe it’s B-flat), Yancy Woodchuck’s surprise choice of song may have elevated Emmet and his friends’ performance. When they’re rehearsing “Barbecue,” the voices come off as slightly grating. Sure, they’re kids and it’s cute, but when they switch to “Brothers,” the harmonies just click. Wendell Porcupine’s jug playing just sounds deeper and richer. Charlie Muskrat’s cigar-box banjo and Harvey Beaver’s kazoo are in perfect tune. There’re not just kids with a jug band anymore, they sound like honest-to-goodness musicians. They have actual talent, and they show it off. That amount of musical growth in the amount of time it takes three other acts to perform earns them the prize.
Why the Riverbottom Nightmare Band Deserved to Win
Yes, they’re rude, crude, and downright destructive, but they brought something none of the other acts brought to the talent show: theatricality. They don’t ask for your attention, they grab it, shock you with bright lights and loud noises, and they never let you go until they’re done. It’s bold, it’s inventive, and the production values are amazing in their own right. Also, unlike any of they other acts, they have their own piano player. It’s no wonder they won.
Why Mrs. Mink Deserved to Win
So this one’s sort of a stretch, since Mrs. Mink’s song, “Born in a Trunk,” was cut from the show, but if you’ve heard the recording of the song, you know she had something no one else had: sex appeal. She was going to shake up the saccharine sweetness of the town with something primal and raw. But alas, she was cut down before she could ever shake a single shimmy. Probably because she would’ve naturally won, and she should have. Those Riverbottom hooligans busted up her store, so fifty bucks is the least she deserved.
Why the Piano Player Deserved to Win
You know who the unsung hero of the whole show is? The humble piano player. Without them, Alice’s song would’ve a weird, preachy acapella tune, and the jug band would’ve still sounded like four kids practicing in a shack above the river. The Rabbits and Squirrels? They’d look like a bunch of fools just throwing themselves around with reckless abandon. They made this show sound professional, and that’s a talent in itself. Hopefully, the only disqualifying factor was that they were getting paid to do this. If not, it would’ve been Christmas on the picket line.
Why Will Possum Deserved to Win
The talent show in the special is missing something that most shows like this have: a comedian. Unfortunately, the voice of humor is the one working the curtain and the lights. Will Possum’s timely commentary on the contest and keen observations would’ve roasted all the performers and left him standing as the one true talent.
Why Harrison Fox Deserved to Win
You know what’s an under-appreciated talent? Coordination. Mayor Fox runs a whole talent show with sense of calm that keeps the show running smoothly, unlike some frogs who will remain nameless. He makes sure everyone hits their cues and that every act gets recognized for their efforts. He knows where the dressing rooms are! This is a fox that’s on top of things, and that’s clearly prize-worthy.
Why the Judges Deserved to Win
If only there weren’t things like “conflicts of interest,” because James Badger, Gretchen Fox, and Doc Bullfrog all have a secret talent: they can wear the hell out of some clothes. Their elegant apparel is a mighty strong distraction from all that nonsense on the stage. Why do you need dancers, acrobats, and singers when you’ve got three fashion models serving the hottest looks for the yuletide season. It sure makes me want a plaid suit!
Why the Audience Deserved to Win
The audience’s talent? Tolerance. They could’ve spent Christmas Eve at home with their loved ones, or going to Midnight Mass, or eating at a Chinese restaurant, but do you know what they did with their time? They went to a talent show, one which had never been done before according to Mayor Fox, to see a bunch of acts which they didn’t know were any good before they came. They clap and cheer for every act, when they could be doing literally anything else. That kind of compassion deserves a prize.
Why This Creature Who Says “Quiet! It’s Starting! The Show is Starting!” Deserved to Win
Because otherwise, nobody would’ve known that the show was starting.
Why Jim Henson Deserved to Win
You know who really put this whole talent show together? Jim Henson. His directorial talent helped form Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas into an annual must-see tradition. Without him, there’d be no Muppets, which means no special and no talent show. Case closed. Oh, and also that whole puppetry and humor and leaving the world a little better for having been here thing.
Why I Deserved to Win
Yes, dear reader, even I am worthy of the prize. You think it’s easy coming up with reasons why all these critters should’ve won a talent show? What the hell were the squirrels doing? Flinging themselves into the air! What kind of talent is that? Rock bands are a dime a dozen if you, just for laughs, go anywhere besides Waterville or Frogtown Hollow. I said the judges deserve to win! They don’t do anything but sit there and judge! You have to have a talent for nonsense to say that! So yeah, I think I deserve a prize for my work! I don’t even care if it’s in hamburgers! The rightful winner is ME! ME! TALENTED ME!!! AAAAUUUUGHHHH!!!
Happy Holidays, everyone!
Click here to split fifty dollars seventeen ways on the ToughPigs Discord!
by Matthew Soberman – [email protected]
