Here we are, at part (are you) three of our report on the unproduced Muppet screenplay, Muppets In Space.
When we last left the Muppets, Kermit was mistaken for the grand alien leader “The Great Shazoo” (gesundheit), and is about take a test to prove to a galactic federation of aliens that he’s not an imposter. Piggy is busy climbing the cosmic corporate ladder some other spaceship, and Gonzo, Rizzo, and Fozzie also exist. Oh, and Pepe is not in this movie at all.
But enough jabber, let’s see what happens in the thrilling conclusion!
In a black, misty room with a Senate-like desk boasting Bang-Bang and others, Kermit is flanked by two guards and the Muppets off to the side. Bang-Bang accidentally starts reading from the script for The Empire Strikes Back before pulling out the rule book for the Shazoonian test. The first test is about international etiquette. A tray with a large mound of strange goo is placed in front of Kermit, along with an array of utensils; he must pick the correct one or face certain death (“Physically and socially”). Kermit doesn’t know what to choose, until a mysterious voice urges him to “Use the forks, Luke.” Kermit picks up a fork, passing the test.
For the next test, Kermit must traverse a pond of deadly “room temperature swamp water” using a series lily pad-like metal discs floating in the water. Kermit effortlessly hops from pad to pad, even finishing with a somersault.
Finally, Kermit is tasked with catching a “yahootie fly,” not only using just his tongue, but he must then eat it. Rizzo starts collecting bets from the other alien dignitaries (including some brains in jars). The flies lethargically flutter around and Kermit catches his one with his tongue. The fly begins to freak out and suddenly grows larger, zipping off and taking Kermit with him. Some time later, Kermit is still being dragged about and Fozzie kills time by telling some knock-knock jokes to the aliens. Finally, the fly falls to the stage, exhausted. Kermit still isn’t sure how it eat it, but fortunately it panics and shrinks, allowing Kermit to gulp it down immediately.
Bang-Bang determines Kermit is truly the famed Shazoo, and everyone cheers (as Rizzo counts his money). He asks Kermit to pick the first planet that will be a part of “The Great Welcoming.” In need of a way back to their home planet, Kermit suggests the Earth. There is much rejoicing. Gonzo imagines what Captain Durer’s reaction will be upon seeing how they’ve become part of an alien federation.
Back on the SS Impressive, Durer is in the middle of being excoriated by the Space Corps President for letting Kermit and friends get “kidnapped.” He is put on probation and a new commanding officer is being beamed in at any moment. The new commander turns out to be none other than Piggy, with Foo-Foo in her arms. She assumes her position on the bridge with the intention of finding Kermit, hoping he’s not suffering too much.
Instead, we see Kermit being lavishly fanned and massaged by some “alien babes.” He believes their actions will end the war with the Snardians and prove non-violent diplomacy is the way to go. Nearby, the Electric Mayhem is seen playing with an alien band; Floyd comments that this is the “farthest far out gig” they’ve ever played. The Swedish Chef (with some alien antennae) brings in some strange looking delicacies, subduing them with a laser gun. Gonzo (given a Tribble) and Rizzo pass, while Fozzie’s meal (an egg) hatches and a face hugger-type alien attacks him.
As an “alien babe” feeds Kermit, Bang-Bang calls for their finest courtesan to dance for Kermit. In enters a green, four-armed alien named “Yeegipsess-Sim,” who to Kermit’s shock has a face resembling Piggy’s (save for a mouth of sharp teeth, forked tongue, and she speaks in a piercing squeal). Kermit postpones any potential breeding for now, and Bang-Bang tells the Nexus crowd that the Great Welcoming will now begin, launching a Busby Berkley-style musical number as the aliens pack their things and head for the mothership.
The ship takes off from the Nexus station, and even the Muppets start singing along. That is, until the aliens get to the verse about blowing up the Earth. It turns out the Great Welcoming is a way to honor planets by blowing them into little pieces. Kermit doesn’t understand, until two of the aliens voluntarily explode themselves. Bang-Bang confirms its original name was the “Mass Destruction of All Planets,” but the guys down in marketing went for a more T-shirt friendly angle (as one of the aliens reveals their own shirt, resembling rock and roll tour apparel).
Kermit tries to prevent the Great Welcoming, but with every suggestion he makes, Bang-Bang counters that this means he’s not the real Shazoo and he’ll be killed. The Muppets huddle in the corner of the room to plot their next move – Fozzie suggests some knock-knock jokes, while Gonzo proposes going back in time to prevent their parents from meeting. Bunsen has the idea to sabotage their weapons systems, so Kermit tricks the guards into leading the robots to the weapons center.
At the Space Corps headquarters, the President and his generals receive a virtual message from one of their scientists alerting them of the impending arrival of the mothership and its fleet. Since they believe it previously tried to attack Earth, they assume it is still a threat. The President hears suggestions from all on the council, including Admiral Piggy, who suggests blowing them up.
The mothership is now within firing distance of the Earth, but the weapons have not been tampered with yet. Kermit needs Fozzie to stall and gives him an inspiring talk. Fozzie starts telling some jokes, with a delayed roar of laughter from the aliens. Meanwhile, Bunsen and Beaker are in a bit over their heads in the weapons room, filled with nearly a mile of various wires. Bunsen runs Beaker’s hand along the wall until he plugs into an outlet, causing Beaker to light up and smoke, indicating they’ve found the power main.
Fozzie continues knocking ‘em dead (though the aliens don’t entirely understand the concept of “humor”), when the alien piloting the ship pulls up a transmission from the Impressive. On the ship, Durer is now mopping the floors, as Janice pulls patches them through to the mothership. When Kermit appears on the viewscreen, helmsman Bean Bunny remarks, “Wow! Martians really are green!” Both Kermit and Piggy are surprised to see the other, and Kermit asks her to delay whatever attack they have planned. Piggy is conflicted between her duties to the Space Corps and her loyalty to Kermit.
Bang-Bang and the others are now ready for the Great Welcoming. Kermit hesitates, until he sees Bunsen and a fried Beaker signal that the weapons are down. Kermit pushes the big red button, but nothing thankfully happens. Back on the Impressive, Durer challenges Piggy’s authority in halting the attack. He attempts to get his position back, fighting with Piggy until Mr. Squawk subdues him with a Vulcan nerve pinch.
Kermit thinks they’ve saved the Earth, until Bang-Bang reveals the back-up button. He leads Kermit’s hand to the button, when Kermit finally reveals that the Earth is his home. Bang-Bang understands why Kermit can’t go through with it, so he offers to do it instead. He pushes the button and the Earth is blown to smithereens. Bang-Bang requests some more humor from Fozzie, who is not in the mood. He sees all the Muppets are sullen as they describe what they’ve now lost.
Bang-Bang regrets the decision – they’ve just been waiting so long to perform the Great Welcoming that they never really thought through the implications. However, Kermit realizes they can bring back the Earth using one of the buttons on the command chair, rewinding the film to just before the button is pushed. The aliens shower praise upon Kermit and Fozzie for saving the Earth and all its humor.
The Muppets, Bang-Bang, and the other aliens arrive in a press room, where the Muppets are proclaimed diplomatic heroes. Even Sergeant Wodgers is there to commend their efforts. The Space Corps President offers Kermit his own ship and command, and Kermit requests all his friends as his crew. Piggy allows them to take over the SS Impressive, as she has other plans in mind.
The Muppets are now in control of the Impressive, with Gonzo at the helm and Durer mopping up the pâté Rizzo drops on the floor. Fozzie welcomes Captain Kermit onto the bridge. They receive a message from Piggy, now the new President of the Space Corps. She gives them their mission to spread messages of peace and non-violence throughout the universe. As Kermit tells the ship to “engage,” Piggy beams on board, thinking he’s proposed. The Muppets all sing a wacky closing number as the Impressive sails off into the stars.
Phew, that’s it! That’s the movie! So, what do we think?
I don’t necessarily dislike the plot, it all kinda makes sense, but it doesn’t feel like enough time in spent in any one section to make the right impact. We go so long away from the Impressive and Aggressive ships that I forget who’s in charge. The whole boot camp thing feels like it could be a whole act of another movie. I do like Piggy effortlessly getting higher and higher positions of power, though some might argue it’s a little against her character to be so successful since part of her whole deal is that she’s nowhere near as great as she thinks. But she’s also like the only female character other than Janice (who only has a few lines anyway) in this whole thing, so as a rebuke to the patriarchy, it’s okay to me.
But boy, is this the nadir of “wimpy 90s Kermit” you hear people complain about. I get that he’s a hard character to write for because of how straight-laced he is, but I don’t think I’d want to spend an entire movie with such a passive, conflict-less version of Kermit. Going back to The Muppets at Walt Disney World, Kermit does the same shtick about not condoning violence, yet he knows he still has to pull the trigger and shoot some Germans. The Kermit of this script has none of that kind of edge whatsoever. I was re-reading an early draft we also have, and in that version, Kermit’s mission is still universal peace, but he’s much less “Mickey Mouse” about it and I think I would have preferred that.
I don’t know if all the other Muppets work for me either. Fozzie is at least a comedian this time, but Gonzo doesn’t feel like he has anything to do. The Mayhem and Swedish Chef cameos are basically rehashes of their Muppet Treasure Island appearances, and while it’s nice to have Clifford and even Janice show up, there’s not that many other characters anywhere else in the movie. That earlier draft I mentioned has appearances by Scooter, Statler and Waldorf (shockingly nowhere in this draft), and even Link and Strangepork for an obligatory “Pigs in Space” gag. None of the aliens sound especially Muppet-y in the way, say, the Treasure Island pirates were; there’s no way any of them could carry over to a new project the way a Clueless Morgan could. And it’s weird that despite Kirk’s involvement, no Muppets Tonight guys show up. I don’t know HOW Johnny Fiama would fit in a sci-fi movie, but it would be fun to see!
OH, and that ending, huh? Not saying that the writers of Galaxy Quest stole it. But, I’m not NOT saying it.
In the end, I think the main reason we didn’t see this is a budgetary thing. Muppets from Space takes place in at most four central locations, and they’re all relatively easy to construct. Plus, the only puppets they needed to make were a dozen Gonzo relatives, two Cosmic Fish, and like one rat. This movie requires so many different settings and alien puppets that I can’t imagine how expensive it probably would be. I’m sure Kirk would argue “A Muppet movie SHOULD have a budget of a Star Wars,” but the previous films did a lot with a little and I don’t know if they could have pulled it off here with this premise.
But what do YOU think? Does this sound like a good Muppet movie, or are you happy with whatever Muppets from Space was like? Let us known in the Tough Pigs Discord using the link below!
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By Shane Keating – [email protected]
