We’re back, Earthlings! Here’s part two of our dive into a screenplay for the unmade Muppet film, Muppets In Space. Not Muppets From Space. We’ve done that already.
To catch you up from part one, the Muppets live in a future society with lots of space travel, and Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo find themselves on a weird alien spacecraft that is blasting them through hyperspace. Is that a succinct enough summary? Anywho, onto what happens next!
The Muppets are smooshed against the wall of the ship as it blasts through hyperspace, distorting and rippling as it flies. Suddenly, they’re all dressed in 70s attire, speaking with hip lingo, and a disco ball drops down. Bunsen notes that because the ship is traveling at such a great speed, it’s causing “a dimensional time dissonance” sending them backwards in time. They all then shift into 60s looks with afros and tie-dye shirts before changing once again into Muppet Babies. They start hitting any button they can and eventually bring the ship back to a slow crawl.
Bunsen deduces that they are now 10337 light years away from Earth in a totally unknown part of the galaxy. The rest of the Muppets think they’ll die like rats, bears, and things, but Kermit assures them things will be fine as long as they try to figure out how the ship works. They surmise that the large chair in the center of the room must be the captain’s, so Kermit hops in hoping to figure out how to get them back home. He presses a button, bringing up the viewscreen showing outside the ship. He presses another, shooting a ball-like object into space. Another button drops a funny hat on his head. A fourth button rewinds the film 45 seconds, only now everybody has themed Groucho glasses on (though Gonzo’s look exactly like his regular face). After suggesting they record all the results of the buttons, Rizzo starts to dig into the sandwich to celebrate, and Kermit wonders how Piggy is doing…
Meanwhile, the SS Aggressive approaches a strange energy field. The ship’s lieutenant (suggested to be a Sean Penn-type) suggests they fly through it, assuring the handsome and dashing captain that they can take on any potential Snardian threat on the other side. Yeoman Piggy, however, can’t help but chime in and suggests flying around it instead. The captain is not interested in her opinions and has the ship fly through the field, where a Snardian fleet is awaiting and they open fire on the Aggressive. The Snardian Captain appears on the viewscreen and tells them to “Prepare to Be Colored” (his translator is on the fritz). With the ship under attack, Piggy shoves the lieutenant out of the way so she can take control of the helm (and the lieutenant gets chased by Foo-Foo). She maneuvers the ship behind the fleet and uses a joystick to fire on the ships, causing severe damage and the Snardians retreat. The captain is impressed and asks how he can reward her, possibly with a promotion. Piggy begins to eye the lieutenant’s position…
Back on the alien ship, Kermit has pressed all the buttons and nothing practical has happened – he’s been given a strange robe, some balloons fill the room, laughing flowers appear, and hair grows on everything. Rizzo has also finished the sandwich, but finds it hasn’t gone down so easily. Suddenly, a ship approaches them on the viewscreen. It is full of adorable, space-faring puppies who want to be friends. However, their cuteness is merely a front and they turn out to be monstrous dogs. They fire on the ship, when Kermit tells them to roll over and they can’t help but comply. He then fires another sphere into space and the puppies are compelled to chase after it. They come back moments later with two more alien puppy ships. However, some new ships fly up behind the Muppets’ ship and fire on the puppies, who fly off whimpering and yelping.
The viewscreen transmits a message from one of the alien vessels, revealing the humanoid-type Captain Dax of the Five Federations Starcruiser Bim. He addresses Kermit as the exalted “Shazoo,” whom he and his empire have been awaiting for some time. To appease the Shazoo, Dax blows up himself and his ship. Onscreen now is Admiral Foo, who offers to escort the Muppets to Central Nexus; the Muppets prevent him from blowing himself up as well. Fozzie and Gonzo think Kermit might actually be the Shazoo, but he insists it’s all a mistake. Their ship approaches a large space station hovering above a planet, with a “WELCOME SHAZOO” sign floating above.
After the ship docks in the station, in enters Senior Council Coordinator and President pro forma of the Executive Vice Presidents in Charge of Everything – Enopah “Bang-Bang!” Johnson, a dumpy four-armed creature in formal attire. Wrapped around his neck is Wibble, his assistant. Kermit tries to tell him he’s not the Shazoo, but Bang-Bang points to all the evidence – he’s arrived in the Shazoo’s ship, is wearing his holy vestments of power, is making use of his entertainment center, and he’s green. He and Wibble conclude that his odd behaviour must be due to not being fully thawed from his sleep chamber, indicating the frosted door and empty “protective film.” Rizzo is horrified to learn he’s eaten the actual Shazoo (not a sandwich) and asks for a barf bag.
Bang-Bang leads the group to the Nexus Auditorium, where a huge crowd of aliens from millions of planets are gathered and cheering. At the dais are five alien representatives, including a Snardian. As the crowd cheers and explodes, Bang-Bang has Kermit approach the podium. Kermit takes the opportunity to make it clear that he is not really the Shazoo, and covers for Rizzo’s international incident. He stresses that he and friends have come in peace, but the scene smash cuts to them in an alien prison (with their robots confiscated).
Rizzo and Kermit argue for a moment, when Kermit starts feeling a drooling on his neck. Gonzo says he stopped drooling on Kermit hours ago, and they find a large alien creature descending on them from the shadows. It opens its toothy mouth and an Alien-like smaller monster springs from inside, speaking in a high-pitched lisp. He politely assures the Muppet crew he won’t eat them (he’s a carrion feeder, so they’re safe for now) and passes out in fright when he sees Rizzo.
Kermit starts to feel down that he led all of them into this bad situation, thinking he’s a lousy leader. His friends give him a pep talk in the form of a vaudeville-style musical number and by the end, Kermit has his confidence. In order to get out of jail now, Kermit has to convince the aliens he really is the Shazoo, but he’s not sure he wants to trample his own morals and ethics to do so…until the alien creature stirs and brings up the idea of eating them soon, so they call the guard.
Bang-Bang unlocks the cell and Kermit claims that his statements before were still his brain unthawing. Bang-Bang is not fully convinced, so Wibble suggests the “Shazoonian Test of Certain Death” to prove Kermit’s status as Shazoo. Kermit proposes a series of insightful questions, but he’s brought to the test instead.
Will Kermit pass the test? What promotion will Piggy receive? Will the Snardians destroy the Earth? Do I look fat in these pants? You’ll find out the answer to some of these questions and more in the final part later this week!
Click here to make the honest mistake of confusing an alien for a sandwich on the Tough Pigs Discord!
By Shane Keating
